The Urban Yoga Den

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The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days! December 8, 2011

“Whoever is happy will make others happy too.  He who has courage and faith will never perish in misery.”  – Anne Frank

My whole body is vibrating.

Just now, I lit my 100th stick of “Happy Heart” incense and repeated the words I’ve said each morning since August 28th – “My intention today is to grow toward joy.”  Today the intention felt larger, more expansive than a practiced Sankalpa or resolution.  Today, that statement felt like a responsibility.
Instead of re-hashing my entire journey from August forward, I invite you to check out my “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” and other blogs I wrote along the way.  It’s been quite a trip, and at times a stumble.  Over time, The Project became more than a simple morning ritual.  It motivated more effort than I’ve ever made in my decades of spiritual practice.

I don’t do any of this for myself.  By “any of this” I mean the 100-day rituals, the blogging, the yoga, the recovery work, the healing practices.  Well, OK, yes.  First I do it for myself – so I can transform, strengthen.  But only so I can share experiences with, pass-on resources to, show up for and be of service to others.

*  *  *

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.  For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.”  – Anonymous

Resentment is ongoing anger or bitterness due to insult or injury.  The etymological root of the word simplifies the meaning even more: a repeated feeling.  Any feeling.  So a resentment could be full of anger or fear, pride or longing.  The fact is, if we are re-feeling something related to a past experience, clearly, we are unable to live in the present.  Our past pains or even successes haunt us.  We are shut off.

I consider myself a happy person.  Someone who leans toward the light.  Generally, I am able to accept life’s ups and downs while maintaining a hopeful and positive attitude.

This summer, after a mugging in June I had a series of PTSD responses that magnified negative stories, limited beliefs and destructive patterns cultivated from what seemed like a lifetime of unresolved trauma.  I was harboring major resentments – against past aggressors, against myself, against the world.  By August, I’d become hopeless.  It was a dark, dark time.

*  *  *

“It is through practicing and living through a series of agreeable and disagreeable situations that we attain full awakening.”  – Suzuki Roshi, author and Zen Master

Over the past 100 days, one of my foundational beliefs was constantly validated: Moving toward joy does not mean escaping pain, avoiding discomfort nor skirting around darkness.  It means greeting that pain, discomfort and darkness with an informed reality instead of habitual despair.  It means digging deep to reach that informed reality, to trudge toward the answers, to sit in the messiness, to look straight at the fears and patterns.  It means surrendering to help and change instead of resigning to the same old despair, depression and rage.

In life there is ease, there is tranquility and there is light…and at times, there is not.  In that very acceptance, I can cultivate happiness.  I can experience joy.  And with strong, committed and consistent effort, the habitual despair can be completely undone.

As Roshi says, it takes “practicing” and “living.”

Burning a stick of incense each morning was a tiny and symbolic gesture.  Although the repeated intention that accompanied that act truly set the wheel in motion, reinforcing a Sankalpa involves much more than words.

Over the past 100 days, there were layers and layers of practices and life.  There was the changing of seasons; there was an Ayurvedic diet for Pitta Pacification; there were increased actions in my recovery program and the huge exhale when reaching nine years clean and sober; there was daily 5:30am Sadhana of prayer, Pranayama and meditation; there were willing visits to medical professionals who specialize in PTSD and related conditions; there was the swallowing of unusual vitamins and supplements; there were specific songs that I listened to and sang until sobbing from liberation; there was soulful abandon during concerts by spiritual songwriters and chanters; there were awkward moments with trusted friends, reunions with old pals and exciting connections with new soul mates; there was immersion in the Occupy movement’s writings and videos in order to challenge my own fears of conflict and solidly reinforce my purpose of peace; there were the Jewish High Holy Days, with their sorrow, atonement, forgiveness and love; there were transformational workshops, retreats and classes with Seane Corn, Max Strom, Amy Barnes, Corrine Champigny and many others; there was the glowing Hindu holiday of Diwali, with its stories of the triumph of light over darkness.

What a trip.  And it was 100% worth it.  Because now, not only have I ceased fighting everything and everyone, I have also come to profoundly accept, appreciate and stop apologizing for my humanness.

“May we live like the lotus, at home in the muddy water.”  – Rachel Meyer, yoga teacher

*  *  *

“May all the sky be pervaded by great bliss.

“If suffering, I bear the suffering of all beings.

“May the ocean of samsara’s suffering dry up.”

My soundtrack for this 100th moment is the traditional Buddhist Offering Chant, quoted above, and sung tenderly by Lama Gyurme in the video below.  As I write, the Happy Heart sends its wafts of rose, rosewood, geranium, cubeb, oakmoss, lavender and patchouli smoke throughout my space.

To me – no matter how much I live and practice through all conditions – it would seem miraculous to reach a bliss like Nirvana or Samadhi or Enlightenment, where I would completely transcend my own suffering, cease carrying and contributing to the suffering of all, and ultimately, experience the end of Samsara – the earthly cycle of birth, decay, death.

What I can grasp, however, is Buddhist nun Pema Chodron’s simple take on attaining a “higher” state: “Enlightenment is a very grand word for fundamental happiness.  Your life becomes a path of awakening or a path of becoming enlightened.”

*  *  *

“What is important is not to have a goal but to see if our daily existence has a meaning in itself.”  – J. Krishnamurti, philosopher and author

Note that my daily statement was, “My intention today is to grow toward joy,”  not, “I want to be happy forever.”  The Project reinforced that life is truly One Day At A Time.  Gradual.  Forgiving and honest.  If today I don’t feel joy, I can try again tomorrow.

There is no goal, only intention, reinforced frequently, through a process of openness, willingness, action and growth.

*  *  *

“The spiritual life is not a theory.  We have to live it.”  – Anonymous

Simply said.  The Happy Heart Project does not end here, at the 100-day mark.

Great gratitude to the numerous teachers who appeared along the way, in so many shapes and forms.  Yoga students, yoga teachers, friends, family, strangers, co-workers, ankle-biters, outright attackers.  Road trips, songs, trees, Asana, injuries, deities.

All mirrors, all messengers.

*  *  *

May all beings find the courage and faith to grow through misery and toward joy.  Thank you for sharing the journey.  OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

*  *  *

*  *  *

THE HAPPY HEART PROJECT.  Under the new moon of Sunday, August 28, 2011 I launched “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” – an effort to document my daily journey away from an annoyingly encroaching emotional darkness and toward the hopeful light of happiness.  For 100 days from 8/28 through 12/5, I woke up, burned a stick of Happy Heart incense and set an intention to grow toward joy.  Nearly each day I posted a “Happy Heart Project” status (and sometimes an accompanying song for that day’s mood) on Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, then saw what happened during the day.  Even though the 100 DAYS are over, it’s not too late to choose one simple heartfelt ritual for your morning, intend to practice it daily, “Like” Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, and let us know how you’re doing from time to time!

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Be A Yogi August 15, 2011

Graduation bliss - me, Sam & Linda at the Ashram.

When I graduated from my Yoga Teacher Training at the Integral Yoga Academy, I heard a lot of advice.

  • Make a list of all the potential places you could teach – not just studios, but other spaces.
  • Market your classes in this way or that way.
  • Remember that not all yoga instructors can make a living teaching.
  • And so on.

But the most important tidbit, to me, came from one of the teaching assistants.

“Be a yogi.”

I had just spent four weeks living at the Satchidananda Ashram; rising before dawn; practicing daily Asana, Pranayama and meditation; studying yoga philosophy; eating a pure vegetarian diet; and wrestling with my humanness amongst the sacredness of yoga.  Despite discomfort and challenge at times, I was grateful for every minute of it.

To be a yogi is ALL that I yearned for.

When I returned home, I didn’t even intend to teach right away.  I offered free classes in my little studio apartment (“The Urban Yoga Den”) to stay in practice.  And then an opportunity to start a yoga program at DC’s SAIL Public Charter School arose.  Once that assignment wrapped up with the end of the school year, I was ready to look for work teaching adults.  Just down the street from me, a new yoga studio called Past Tense was opening.  And in July 2010, I started teaching three weekly classes there.

On August 24th, I will end my stint at Past Tense to take an end-of-summer break from teaching (except for my three classes at Trinity University’s Fitness Center).  I am grateful to Past Tense for inviting me to pass on yoga to the Mt. Pleasant community over the last two years!  As you might have gathered from my last post, I have been sensing a need for change, pondering my integrity and prioritizing my well-being.  Leaving Past Tense will create a simplicity and spaciousness in my schedule, life and mind.  As my friend wished, “I pray that whatever occupies that space brings peace and joy.”  Me, too.

“The Urban Yoga Den” blog is all about living yoga off the mat and in my every day world.  So for now, rather than teaching a bunch of classes, I will be practicing more – on and off the mat.

One hope is to practice Karma Yoga by bringing morning Pranayama practice to the police officers that serve overnight in my neighborhood.  In October, I will travel to Philly for a Kirtan with Jai Uttal to awaken the Bhakti Yoga spirit; then I’ll bounce over to Easton Yoga for a two-day workshop with Max Strom.  In December, I will visit Sanctuary Yoga in Nashville for Seane Corn’s three-day “Detox Flow” workshop.  And in between, I will be here in DC, practicing with my beloved local teachers, until I find the next right fit for a teaching location.

But my biggest wish is to simply be able to walk down the street with an inner peace and joy that shapes my attitudes and actions.  That might mean embracing one or all of the many beautiful suggestions from my caring friends.   For example, practicing “Samtosha” (contentment with exactly what is – i.e. acceptance of and compassion for my own humanness), sending myself Metta (sending myself loving-kindness and well-wishing), and basically, not being so hard on myself.  It also might mean re-committing to the routines that without fail nourish my inner peace and joy.  It also might mean falling off the yoga wagon and getting on again – and off and on again.

Because I realize to be a yogi is to – simply and honestly – be me.

I hope to see and hear from you as I take the steps to re-embrace my core motivation to Be A Yogi.

Wishing you peace, joy, love and light.  OM Shanti.

 

WelcomeOmDC Guest Blog, Pt. 2 – Off the Mat Into the World March 4, 2011

Still on the fence re: attending Off the Mat, Into the World ™: Yoga, Purpose and Action Weeklong Intensive in DC next week?  Here is Pt. 2 of my guest blog for WelcomeOmDC, illustrating that if you give yourself the gift of the Intensive, OTM will continue to give back to you – so you can continue giving back to the world – sustainably.  Thanks for reading!  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

Take Your Practice Off The Mat

(Part 2 of 2)

Yoga teacher Holly Meyers is a DC ambassador for Off the Mat Into the World ® (OTM), a nonprofit that uses the power of yoga to inspire conscious, sustainable activism and ignite grassroots social change.

OTM’s 5-day “Yoga, Purpose & Action” Intensive – coming to DC March 10-14 – guides participants through a deep, transformational process of self-inquiry and skill building facilitated by yoga, visioning, lecture and group process. There are still a few slots left for this amazing journey.  Visit www.flowyogacenter.com to register.

This is Part 2 of Holly’s blog about OTM.

I hear there are about 10 spots left in the Off the Mat Into the World ® Intensive here in DC.  If you’re still wondering whether this training is for you, please consider…

I never imagined, after participating in “Yoga, Purpose & Action” at New York’s Omega Institute last June, how much inspiration and support I would continue to receive from the OTM team – plus, from their regional ambassadors around the world.

When I arrived at the OTM Intensive last June, I had a pretty clear idea of my “purpose” – to establish an organization that decreases violence in families and among youth, by passing on the healing tools of yoga and related practices.  Today, as teens and young adults in my urban neighborhood murder each other in the streets, and as families in the suburban neighborhoods of my childhood hide their troubles behind closed doors, I remain committed to this cause.

To start this organization, I will need help.  I will need collateral.  I will need collaborators.  I will need community support.  Through ongoing involvement with and mentoring from OTM, I am learning what it takes to develop this help.  I am getting some practice in all of these areas.

Participants in the OTM Intensive may continue working with the organization as “ambassadors” in their local regions by coordinating Yoga in Action (YIA) events.  YIA is the grassroots initiative that brings the Off the Mat experience to the local level (vs. the internationally-focused Global Seva Challenge – more below).

For example, last fall, I lead the Yoga in Action DC campaign on Facebook.  OTM introduced this fund/awareness raising initiative worldwide and asked local ambassadors to help spread the word.  For me, the campaign was a small effort (compared to the fund-raisers and events that more experienced OTM ambassadors held); at the same time, it helped me continue to come out of my shell and incubate the OTM presence here in DC.  Until that activity, I felt a little shy about reaching out to Washington-area Karma Yogis.  I’d been practicing yoga in the city since 1993, but only started to feel linked-in after my teacher training in 2008 (to no fault of the community; just my own self-doubt).  Coordinating the YIA-DC campaign pushed me to seek and connect with fellow yogis who are devoted to service.  It also forced me to embrace Facebook!  As friends point out, I went from 0 to 60 in no time on the social network!  I now love connecting with and being inspired by yoga and other mindful pals around the world.

There are infinite ideas, inspiration and motivation out there.

When OTM announced their DC Intensive, I offered to lead a “bridge event” that would raise awareness about the style of OTM trainings.  “Chill Time with Yoga in Action” was held last December at Past Tense Studio in Mt. Pleasant.  In the two-hour class, participants built an altar, shared about their service-related jobs, family roles and community activities, then practiced yoga collaboratively.  This community-building class will continue at Past Tense quarterly, so additional Karma Yogis can join the circle for rejuvenation in their lives and sustainability in their work.  The best part was – I didn’t have to invent the concept.  OTM leaders and ambassadors helped me shape the Intensive elements to meet the needs of DC’s active Seva community.

Collaboration is a huge part of OTM and YIA work.

In fact, I am looking forward to meeting potential Yoga in Action co-facilitators at the March “Yoga, Purpose and Action” Intensive!  All three of the DC yoginis who attended the Omega training last year moved away from the area soon after, sadly.  My next hope for YIA activity is to lead the 7-Week Small Group curriculum, which unites a finite group for a journey of peer-supported self-inquiry, collaborative exercise, and yoga practice (of course!), leading to a unique Karma Yoga project for our DC community.  OTM’s vision is to seed these YIA small groups of change among local communities, to inspire collaboration and connection among yoga activists.

I have been deeply inspired seeing the amount of noble service work accomplished by YIA facilitators and other relationships that have bloomed out of the Intensives.  Last year, past OTM Intensive participants cheered-on each others fund-raising efforts for OTM’s Global Seva Challenge.  And as the emotional stories from that recent South Africa Seva journey currently saturate the walls of Facebook, this year’s fund-raising Challenge for a 2012 Haiti project is in full swing.  Here is another way that OTM’s mentorship can support my own vision to start an organization – by participating in the Global Seva Challenge, I would get great fund raising experience!  Not sure if I’ll take the plunge this year…

More will be revealed.

Since the Omega training, regular conference calls with Off the Mat Into the World mentors – including Hala Khouri, Claire Williams, Kerri Kelly and Davian Den Otter (all of whom you will meet next week at the DC Intensive) – have infused me with creativity and confidence.  Off the Mat Into the World is committed to investing in their Intensive participants’ leadership growth – as regional OTM ambassadors, and, toward their own visions and purpose.  Hearing the experiences of others who participated in the 5-day Intensive around the world has been immensely fortifying – for my YIA work, my yoga teaching, and, my life.

We all support each other as brothers and sisters who experienced the intensely deep journey of self-inquiry, connecting to our purpose and each other, and activating into the world.

OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.  Peace, Peace, Peace.

You can learn more about OTM’s Yoga in Action initiative, the Global Seva Challenge and future “Yoga, Purpose & Action” trainings here: http://www.offthematintotheworld.org/index.php

http://www.welcomeomdc.com/2011/03/03/take-your-practice-off-the-mat-part-2/

 

WelcomeOmDC Guest Blog – Off the Mat Into the World January 24, 2011

Wishing you wellness!

Honored that WelcomeOmDC invited me to write a two-part blog about my experience with Off the Mat Into the World’s “Yoga, Purpose & Action” intensive, coming to DC this March.  (Sponsored by Flow Yoga Center and Anahata Grace.)  Curious what it’s like to practice with OTM co-founders Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling?  Read on…

OM Shanti.  h*

*  *  *

Off the Mat Into the World’s Leadership Intensive Comes to DC in March!

(Part 1 of 2)

Yoga teacher Holly Meyers is a DC ambassador for Off the Mat, Into the World ® (OTM), a nonprofit that uses the power of yoga to inspire conscious, sustainable activism and ignite grassroots social change. OTM’s 5-day “Yoga, Purpose & Action” intensive – coming to DC March 10-14 – guides participants through a deep, transformational process of self-inquiry and skill building facilitated by yoga, visioning, lecture and group process.

Last June I participated in Off the Mat Into the World’s 5-day leadership intensive at the Omega Institute in New York. As the DC intensive approaches, I’m feeling as giddy as a little kid!

I am super excited to practice with three of the most effective teachers of yoga and leadership. OTM founders Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling are like a power trio who fuel the training with their unique strengths.

My first experience with Seane – whose advanced yoga poses grace the covers of Yoga Journal and other magazines – was one year ago, at her 3-day Chakra Vinyasa workshop. Being a traditional Hatha teacher with just a little Vinyasa experience – and, knowing about Seane’s butt-kicking Asana practice – I was a bit nervous! My fears soon dissolved as I immersed myself in one of the most liberating experiences of my life. I did not simply “get through” the three days – Seane’s prayerful support and encouragement propelled my practice beyond my imagination.

Complementing Seane’s intensely physical style is Hala’s wisdom as a psychologist. Her music choices uplift the heart and soul, and encourage emotional release through the body. During last year’s intensive, U2’s “Grace” hit the air and I felt a visceral surge of self-acceptance that still brings me great serenity today. Hala’s lecture on Somatic Experiencing provided tools for maintaining balance during emotional triggers, which are invaluable for people like me – a survivor of hardship who now works in service to those with similar backgrounds.

Suzanne rounds out OTM’s leadership with her mystical energy, and background in indigenous ritual, percussion and vocalization. Her compassionate heart, attentive ear and motivational voice sparked rich levels of self-discovery, openness and security among the 40 participants at Omega last year. Her drumming and chants provided a cohesive soundtrack for the week’s process. In my classes I often play her celebratory “Jai Ma” – which she chanted as a gentle lullaby during our deep relaxation – during Sun Salutations and her ethereal “Savaasana” during Yoga Nidra.

Seane’s, Hala’s and Suzanne’s fusion of transformational Asana, psychological empowerment and liberating ritual are beyond compare for leadership development for Karma Yogis, Yoga Activists, Seva Yogis…whatever you choose to call someone who takes his or her yoga practice off the mat to be of service in their everyday world.

Through OTM’s intensive, any yogi who plays a role of service at their job, in their community and/or for their family will find the nourishment, rejuvenation and empowerment to do that work more sustainably. I hope to see you this March!

The early-bird discount for OTM’s March 2011 “Yoga, Purpose & Action” Intensive is available through Saturday, January 22nd!  Visit www.flowyogacenter.com to register – payment plans are available.  Stay tuned for Part 2 of Holly’s blog, describing how ongoing mentorship by OTM leaders encourages her leadership growth, empowers her yoga teaching and sustains her service work.

Part 1: http://www.welcomeomdc.com/2011/01/22/take-your-practice-off-the-mat/

 

In the OM Zone November 11, 2010

You can hear the OM sound everywhere. It vibrates every cell in your body. It brings such a nice feeling of peace.  – Swami Satchidananda

There are times, at the end of a yoga class, when the closing OM is so sweet I have cried.  And there are times when it is so cacophonous that I have giggled with delight. I love both!

Personally, I’m a soft “OM”er.  My hope is to not hear my chant above any other, and to experience blended voices.  Still, I appreciate when students bring their loud, bright and even gravelly voices into the mix.  OM-style is an individual choice, probably influenced by a favorite teacher.  I used to get a bit rattled when the chant sounded noisy; but now I experience Santosha and feel content with all forms of OM-ness.

Chanting “OM” is a pure and soulful experience for me.  I do it everywhere and frequently – throughout my morning Sadhana; three times to open and once to close classes; as much as necessary to become present; three times before I start the car.

Over nearly two decades of yoga practice, I have heard many descriptions of OM’s origins and meanings.  Despite these varying definitions, I believe one consistent truth.  When we join our voices in OM, I feel that we are uniting.

To me, OM is a simple syllable that brings a vibration into the room, among us and within each.

I recently had the chance to experience the sheer power of this simple syllable during Ricky Tran’s DC Yoga Immersion (http://www.rickytranyoga.com/).  In approaching the Eight Limbs of Yoga, Ricky fuses authentic reverence with contemporary playfulness.

One of his favorite phrases was, “You’re in the OM Zone now!”

The morning began with Bhakti practice, including devotional chanting with Rudra Das Kirtan recordings (http://www.rudradas.com/home/).  The energy in the room started to rise. Next we moved into hips-centric Asana toward the goal of Lotus Pose.  Some poses challenged me immensely, others felt totally easeful.

(Side note: I believe that a great teacher supports students silently with prayerful and energizing vibrations.  Otherwise, there’s no way I could have effortlessly expressed poses beyond my present Asana level in Seane Corn and Max Strom workshops!  I focus more on the philosophical, lifestyle and service aspects of yoga than on higher-level poses.  So I felt totally at ease with Ricky’s accepting and encouraging Asana instruction.)

Happily, by the end of this brilliantly effective hip opening sequence, I was able to sit comfortably in Half Lotus – on both sides – for the first time!  Jai!  And it’s a good thing, because seated Pranayama was next on the docket.  I love me some Pranayama!  So any chance to sit and breathe for longer periods is welcome.

After Pranayama came what I call Ricky’s “Dharana Challenge” and what he calls “The Perfect 10.”

Glowing from Bhakti and Hatha, we were ready to meditate.  Ricky suggested focusing the mind by repeating OM 10 times in a row without distraction. If we wandered from OM, we were to start over at one.  If we reached 10 uninterrupted OMs, we should continue to 20, and on.  Ricky gave us the choice to chant silently or aloud.  One by one, students voices began to fill the cavernous studio with swirling, howling, beautiful chants of OM.  We chanted with conviction, a blend of bright and gravelly, loud and soft.  All sweet and pure and soulful.

And then it happened.

Perfect unity.  That simple syllable brought us together as one.  I couldn’t tell where my voice started and someone else’s ended. It seemed like the entire room of OMs originated from my mouth.  Then it switched.  Everyone else’s voices swirled through my lips, into my mind, penetrating my being.  There was no separation.

We were, indeed, in the OM Zone.

Gratitude to Ricky Tran and all the Eight-Limb-ers who stuck around after Asana practice to create this unforgettable experience.  It was the wildest OM moment of my life.  I feel thrilled to have more brothers and sisters with whom to explore the infinite promises of the Yoga Sutras.

OM Shanti.

P.S. Thanks for the photos, y’all!

 

Life on Life’s Terms August 8, 2010

I am stretching here.

And I don’t mean stretching my body.  I am stretching to find a yogic approach to what I want to share this evening, after months without blogging or sending Yoga Updates to my mailing list or reaching out much at all, really.

Somewhere around March I started falling behind on my writing and outreach.  Thankfully May and June’s Eight Limbs class focus seemed to herd my wandering thoughts and I made it through a 2nd update about Asana & Pranayama.  Then, my motivation dropped off the face of the earth.  “Things” started happening.

Since the Spring I (in no particular order):

  • Started a job
  • Left that job
  • Attended the Off The Mat Into The World intensive and leadership training with Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling
  • Visited the ER with chest pains (all is OK now)
  • Felt an earthquake for the first time ever (amazing)
  • Taught percussion and yoga to grades Pre-K through 6 at the Levine School of Music’s six-week summer camp
  • Battled a two-week respiratory infection (summer camp is germy!)
  • Taught up to 23 classes per week, including studio shifts, sub opps, youth classes, private clients and the University of Maryland football team (Go Terps! – my alma mater)
  • Celebrated my 45th birthday with a beautiful community of children, yogis, musicians and dear ones
  • Learned of a horrible deception in my romantic partnership
  • Tried my hardest – one day at a time – to stay in that relationship
  • Ended that relationship

Life has pitched a number of serious curve balls in the midst of a beautifully bountiful time and I am wiped out.   But I’ve been “holding it together.”  I remember once when I was feeling low, a friend scolded, “You should read your own blog!”  Tonight, as I read back through my Spring entries, I don’t recognize the deeply motivated, connected and inspired Holly.  She’s been getting through the days, weeks, months by flinging herself into teaching.

It could be worse.

Thankfully, last week, I started experiencing complete dissociation.  The reason I’m grateful is that I needed the wake up call.  The stress of my relationship issues had become so huge that I would get through half a yoga class and not remember teaching.  I would get through a day of summer camp and need a nap.  The break-up was essential.  This past Saturday was the day.

It’s hard to describe how lost I feel.  The shock of the deception, the nature of the lie, the weeks of earnestly exploring whether I could stay in the relationship and now the loss of that relationship have left me profoundly exhausted.  Now that the relationship is over, I crave rejuvenation.  I’m yearning to be taken care of, to join a synagogue, to sleep for endless hours, to hibernate, and so on – a wide range of reactions.

And now that summer camp is over, I need to look for more work!  Plus, I owe you some blogs.  I have about a thousand drafts, about Yoga & Baseball, about Yoga & Football, about the final four of the Eight Limbs, about my Uncle Bill’s yoga-esque devotion to service, about so many things.

I realize that this post is a bit rambling and more journal-like than usual.  Primarily, I wanted to get honest.  And let you know where I’ve been.  I’m not teaching anything here; I don’t have a Sutra to quote, a Limb to cite or a Chakra to work.  If anything, I’d like to be taught how I can rehabilitate from this painfully debilitating time.  Let’s see which teachings reveal themselves.

That’s it for now.  OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.  Peace.

P.S. – Duh, it’s hitting me that one of the primary teaching in all of this is how that 8-day Off The Mat Into The World training seasoned me to trudge through this break-up discernment phase and then seek nurturing once the split was behind me…among other things, I’m sure.

 

100(+1)% May 13, 2010

Back on April 8th, I attended a Krishna Das Kirtan concert, where he told an inspiring story about learning to apply himself 100%.  At the time, I was stuck in discernment-process limbo, trying to decide between two career paths.   Should I continue applying for full-time communications jobs, or expand my yoga teaching, music performance/teaching and promotion of both into a full-time profession?  I was applying myself approximately 1% to each option and feeling about 1% peaceful with that ugly truth.

“When – and to what – will I apply myself 100%?” I asked myself (and you guys) in a blog dated April 9th.

On April 20th, I wrote the following e-mail to my friend Manu at Yogaville:

There has been SO much synchronicity swirling about life this month.  Primarily regarding my mother’s influence and my career path discernment.  When I returned from my Florida trip at the end of March, I planned to gauge my motivation, to see which direction I should travel professionally – would it be a full-time job in communications, or, a collection of part-time gigs/projects in yoga, music, marketing/promotion?  Of course, after Spring Training, I was brimming with enthusiasm about teaching yoga to athletes.  And so my energy was a bit tilted in that direction.  One of the first things I did was meet with my friend, Emma, who teaches yoga full-time, to get a clear picture of the pros and cons.  The pros definitely won.  Then my computer broke down, so I couldn’t search or apply for full-time jobs.  Still, I resolved to continue gaining counsel from friends and advisers, to make the best decision.  On Easter Sunday, I was remembering that 20 years ago in mid-March, I was emerging from a very dark period which included many destructive events and toxic habits.  That April Easter of 1990 represented a resurrection of sorts, when I resigned to clean up, stick around and see what life had to offer.  So this year for Easter, I was pretty emotional and reflective about life’s purpose and calling.  The next day, Easter Monday, I was invited to speak to an addiction recovery group that meets at the synagogue where my mother converted to Judaism in the 1950s.  So mom – one of my biggest creative motivators – was in the back of my mind as I told my story of transformation that night.  On Tuesday, I donated my services to lead a Yoga Nidra for young cancer survivors at the Smith Farm Center (my mom had cancer three times).  Wednesday I took a very intense Jivamukti class; Thursday I fasted and went to a Kirtan with Krishna Das – his between-song banter kicked my butt into positivity (see the “100%” blog for more); and Friday morning I took another Jiva class to finish my one-day detox.  My computer was also fixed the day before – and what was the first thing I did?  Apply for full-time communications jobs?  No!  I wrote three yoga blogs within 12 hours!  Saturday and Sunday I attended two workshops with heart-opening teacher Max Strom and Mom was with me the whole time (see “Oh Death” blog for more on that experience).  And in asking her about the career journey, the answer was, “Follow your heart.”  What else?  By Monday I don’t think I needed any more counsel about my work life; but somehow I still felt the need to continue this discernment process “responsibly.”  Digging deep with a trusted friend on Tuesday, we pretty much put an end to my waffling.  That day – April 13 – was also the 8th anniversary of my mom’s death.  And the day I found out that my Uncle Bill had died (again, see “Oh Death”).  Uncle Bill was a man of great faith – if he were here, he’d say, “If it’s god’s will, you will be OK.  Go for it, Holly!”  A couple of days later, I traveled to Nashville for Bill’s funeral; and when long-estranged family/friends asked, “So what do you do?” I answered, “I’m a teacher – I teach yoga and music.  And I write.”

It’s funny because, BEFORE I went to Florida for Spring Training, I’d said to my friend Athena, “I have a dream – I want to teach yoga, teach music and perform music full-time – using my communications skills to promote my efforts and the activities of others in those professions.”

So the journey of being an independent business operator begins.

Wow.  Since writing that letter, I have: started teaching a new private client twice weekly (referred by my chiropractor – thanks, Dr. Bahnson!); answered an opportunity to pick up three classes at another studio (fingers crossed!); taught a two-hour Integral Yoga class at the Happy Destiny Retreat; shared my prayer and meditation experience with another addiction recovery group; been accepted to Seane Corn’s Off the Mat/Into the World Leadership Training program (with partial scholarship!); begun attending a weekly Level 2 class with Caroline Weaver and a Dharma Mittra style series with Laura Ivers; and been offered a part-time job with a yoga-related organization (whose name I won’t mention because I haven’t given my answer yet…I’m back in discernment-process mode!).

Now to catch up with my blog writing!

But what really blew me away as this momentum started to pick up was an amazingly thoughtful letter from Stacey, the teacher coordinator at Past Tense Studio, where I teach regularly.  Without getting into the details of her positive feedback from a class she attended, I’ll share that she pretty much affirmed my big-picture life purpose – to give back to people what has been so generously shared with – and therefore has healed – me.

Stacey also shared the following quote.  I’ll leave you with this.  OM Shanti.

UNTIL ONE IS COMMITTED – W.H. MURRAY

CONCERNING ALL ACTS OF INITIATIVE (AND CREATION) THERE IS ONE ELEMENTARY TRUTH, THE IGNORANCE OF WHICH KILLS COUNTLESS IDEAS AND SPLENDID PLANS:

THAT THE MOMENT ONE DEFINITELY COMMITS ONESELF, THEN PROVIDENCE MOVES TOO.

(P.S. Thank you, Cathy Duarte, for motivating me to write this tonight!)