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Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – The Final Word January 31, 2013

“The lure of yoga demands from one the highest potential. At the same time it reveals one’s weaknesses. The moment of truth cannot be experienced without the constant play of these opposing forces.”  ~ Mary Palmer, Iyengar Yoga Pioneer

Sanjay1st2013Nest(Jan13)Within winter’s great grey hibernation is a warm nest, glowing with possibility.

“You’ve been doing some WORK!” a friend recently exclaimed.  My immediate feeling was, “Ugh.”  Yes, this blog tells the world how hard I am working at life stuff.  It’s not a horrible association, but…I am feeling a bit overworked and yearning to enjoy the benefits of all this effort!  Some joy, liberation and balance would be nice…

I am tired of trying.

On New Year’s Day, I attended a friend’s “Awaken to the New Year” yoga class.  She always hits the nail on the head with her context for our practice.  But to tell the truth, at this point, I don’t remember the exact theme from January 1st.  I do, however, recall a profound experience as we settled down in Savasana for deep relaxation.  The music was a little low, and I was straining to hear what song I was supposed to be relaxing to…!  All at once it hit me: “Stop trying so f-ing hard!”

It had been a very long week with many challenges, plus a lot of exciting preparation for my own New Year’s Eve “Let Your Intentions Flow” workshop.  And as I lay there in Savasana on New Year’s Day, I realized how completely pooped out I was.  Over the next two days, I slept for a total of 24 hours.

*  *  *

Back around the December Winter Solstice, when global attention was geared toward the tragedy in Newtown, CT and the 12/21/12 “End of the World” phenomenon, I started feeling notable shifts in my life.  Sometimes they manifested as very strong thoughts, beliefs and values; and other times as more mysterious vibrations, visions and dreams.  The December 28th Full Moon was approaching, and I’d received a box of “New Energy” incense as a holiday gift – thus, “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy” was born.

Sanjay2of4(Jan13)The daily practice included: lighting a stick of “New Energy” incense; asking myself the question, “How will I sustain my total well-being, in order to serve others and live on purpose?”; chanting 108 repetitions of the Asato Ma prayer (“Lead me from unreal to real; from darkness to light; from that which dies off, to that which is everlasting.”); and, posting a daily Facebook reflection on whatever arose during the ritual.

I can’t blog my way out of old energy.  Lighting a stick of “New Energy” incense every day for a month does not guarantee change.  And, chanting and praying do not “manifest” outcomes – they enhance clarity and awareness.  So, these “day count” commitments are, simply, devoted efforts of observation.  For “Full of Shift,” I simply wanted to start each day with a consistent routine so I could sustain awareness of the ongoing shifts; note any related developments; and, detect potential guidance and direction.

The “How will I sustain…” inquiry grew from wondering whether the shifts were related to my ongoing efforts to stabilize and strengthen my health (body, mind, spirit), my education (school, trainings, experience), my relations (family, friends, community) and my work (full-time job, yoga, service).  December was a super intense time of holding space for others to grieve tragedy and ponder the apocalypse, while they were also managing holiday demands and setting New Year intentions.  Understandably, my own energy was thrown off kilter, and I experienced conflicts with old friends and new acquaintances.  At the same time, new work opportunities kept popping up and new ideas for further education were brewing.

I sensed it was time to pay attention.

*  *  *

“Love brings up everything unlike itself.”  ~ Marianne Williamson, author

If you read my December 22nd post, “My Heart Exploded,” you know that the night of Winter Solstice, this happened: “I’d been asleep for about an hour, when my eyes gently opened.  I was lying on my back, with my hands resting on my chest.  Suddenly, in the core of my heart center, I sensed a feeling that is hard to describe.  At once heavy and liberating, full and breathless, sinking and expanding.  Something profoundly beautiful softly exploded in my heart.  After a little while of witnessing, I went back to sleep.”

The next evening, I attended a friend’s holiday party, where I had some notable encounters.  I enjoyed numerous conversations about yoga with new people.  I met an elder woman – the wife of a man who knew my father back in his film making days – whose energy and spirit impressed me.  And, I was shamed by a stranger regarding a mistake I made at the food table.

That night, I had this dream:  I am at a party, in the host’s bedroom, because I feel vulnerable.  I am changing into all-white yoga clothes.  I emerge and head up the stairs to the kitchen.  Halfway up, I bump into an elder mentor, who is coming down.  She also wears white, has white hair and sparkling eyes, and is graceful.  She’s just seen a movie called “The Lotus.”  I ask how it was and say I want to see it.  She trips on the stairs.  I try to stop her fall; but instead, I drop her on the crown of her skull.  It is a very, very painful scene.  (I’ll stop here.)

I sobbed for hours and hours when I woke up from that dream.  It took a few days to release its hold on me.  Thankfully, every time I revisit it, new meaning emerges.  Teaming up for some dream interpretation, a friend and I discovered the primary takeaway: yoga wraps me in security and clarity; I am at a crossroads with my future, more spiritually mature self; and, something about the Crown Chakra cracking open…  Well, duh.  Who governs the crossroads and resides in the Crown Chakra?  Shiva.  My old friend who likes to pull me through the fires of life.  Apparently he wants to show me something.  And the journey will be painful.

Sanjay3of4(Jan13)Well, at least I’m familiar with this territory!

After teaching my New Year’s Eve intention-setting workshop and realizing how depleted I was feeling as the result of a very effort-full December, I set aside the MLK holiday weekend – exactly one month after having my Heart Explosion – for my own 2012/2013 reflection, meditation and journaling.  (See the “Full of Shift – Week Three” blog for a photo of my at-home retreat writing desk/intention altar!)

On Saturday the 19th, after spending the day preparing for my at-home retreat, I had this dream: A yoga teacher friend and I visit a tattoo shop where I am going to start working as desk help.  The shop owner encourages us to walk around and check out the artists’ work before we leave.  I am feeling positive and light as we explore.  At one station, there is a toddler in the client chair, surrounded by two adult females who look ashamed and apologetic.  The child was born without the top half of his/her skull.  Where the forehead and hair should be, there’s nothing – just a hollow cavity leading up from the spinal column.  In addition, it’s as if the baby’s circulation to its hands and feet has been cut off, and the extremities are balloon-like and swollen.  I smile warmly at the women and the toddler.  As my friend and I leave, I say, “Well, the kid’s gonna look like a freak when it gets older – might as well start getting tattoos now!”  And I don’t say this in jest; I say it because this child’s imperfections are not shameful – they are reality, and they are lovable to me.

Again, positivity and confidence when close to yoga.  Again, a reference to the Crown Chakra.  A child born with a wide-open, unobstructed channel to the higher self?  An imperfect child that likes tattoos.  Still not sure about the swollen hands/feet significance.

On Sunday the 20th, I awoke at dawn.  By the time I attended my teacher’s 11am “Spiritually Fly” yoga class, I had practiced my “Full of Shift” ritual, completed my 2012 “clearing” journaling, eaten breakfast and drafted my Week Three blog.  After class, I did some speed-journaling on the first four Chakras, ate lunch, took a super hot shower, practiced Yoga Nidra, then led myself on a visioning journey.

Highlights of the journey: My home, and “all that is here” (exact words from my journey), was (is) my sacred space, my starting point for the journey.  I then met a red fox on the cliff overlooking the dried-up, sacred river of ancestors of the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe of South Dakota (a place I have visited a few times).   Together, like comfortable old pals on a hike, the fox and I traveled the riverbed until it became thick with bramble.  We continued through, winding up in her den with her children.  I felt trusted.  She asked me, “What’s in your heart?”  After allowing me to reflect for some time, she coaxed, “I invite you to take a step back.”  We returned to my sacred space and said good-bye.

All that is here, all that makes up my home – the paper piles, the unfolded laundry, the dust, the sunshine through the windows, the sticky note vision board, the family photos, the everything that’s come before and lead to this moment here – is sacred.  Traversing tangled roads in the company of a true friend.  Trusted in The (Urban Yoga) Den with youth (and fox youths encounter their biggest challenges in early childhood, as they are born deaf and blind).  Taking a step back to survey what’s in my heart.  Significance of the Red Fox as a symbol of silence, invisibility, witnessing; controlling the “aura” in order to harmonize more with others.  Strong sense of survival, yet also a gentleness.  Ahimsa Now.

After this rich, fulfilling day of practice and journaling and blogging, and getting deep and real and true, I had this dream: I am strolling through my ‘hood, I am dressed in my favorite clothes (jeans, boots, corduroy jacket…blues, olives, browns), I am confident and peaceful.  I pass and greet friends along the way.  A Latino family in their front mini-yard invite me to chat.  Apparently I am moving away; and the little daughter is sad about that and wants to give me a hug.  Next, their dog comes over to snuggle me.  There’s even a little bird from their yard that lands on my shoulder.  I feel like that image of Snow White, when the dwarves and forest animals find her and adorn her and care for her.  There is a sense of trust, love, sweetness, nurturing and gentleness among me and my community.  (Even in this dream), I feel that all of this proves that I am OK, that I am not a bad, tough, harmful person – I am trusted and loved and adored as this local gal in the ‘hood.  I am whole (no cracked or missing skull, no odd limbs, nothing to be ashamed of).  I don’t feel like I am saying goodbye.  (And yet apparently, I am moving away.)

I’m still connecting the dots among these experiences.  A few things that ring loud and clear:

I am moving away – from many, many things, habits, people, situations.  These 30 days have led me in some very clear directions.  I am trustworthy, loved, good.  I am 100% OK, just like this.

When I step back and see what’s in my heart, I know that I will give birth to The Urban Yoga Den – a sacred space where nonprofit programs like “Ahimsa Now” and other yoga-related activities for healing and transformation will thrive.  I will reach this goal in good company.

Unusual children – those who seem “deformed” or “freakish,” whose families are ashamed of them – are lovable to me.  Yoga and I will smile warmly upon them.

Sometimes enlightenment can look shockingly painful.  Together, Shiva and I will continue to traverse the sometimes rough road of transforming from that triggered, scared, uncomfortable trauma survivor, into that experienced, graceful, humble elder.

And: my heart is wide, wide open.  Despite anger and frustration and conflicts in my personal realm, I am as healthily vulnerable as ever.  Which means that, like the Red Fox, whose sense of smell allows her to discern keenly, I am being very selective regarding with whom I share my heart.  And that is OK.

*  *  *

“may we forgive ourselves when we get scared so we can more forward.”  ~ Elena Brower, Virayoga Founder

With all the forward momentum of these 30 days, I’ve had my hands full.  Full of life!  Always a juggle of ease and effort (just like yoga) – as well as withdrawal into my isolation cave or internal/external struggle (unlike yoga).

AH-HA MOMENT (right this very second)!

I DO see all of this as moments of ease and effort!  Even the cave dwelling and friend fighting.  I’ve often heard, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”  Perhaps the most productive Shift and New Energy I can gain from this month-long practice is the relieving realization that I need not be so scared about the comings and goings of life.  I don’t have to analyze and monitor every shift.  None of this has to be blogged to pieces or chanted away.  It’s no big deal.

I can stop trying so damn hard.

So it’s time to return to my usual daily Sadhana.  The morning practice that has evolved over the past 20 years.  The routine that makes me aware, awake, present.  That keeps me accountable, serene, ready.  Someday I might launch another day-count project/observation like Ahimsa Now (2012’s 100-day study of violence and non-violence) – but I’d like to keep my internal process to myself for a bit.

HAHAHAHA!  Let’s see how that goes!  (I can hear y’all laughing at me, too!)

Sanjay4of4(Jan13)To clarify – I will stay transparent with and connected to my close peers and friends, my recovery crew and other therapeutic partners.  And in appropriate cases, with my students, where my experience may by useful to them.  But I pray to not publicly blah blah blah as much.  Another blogger pal mentioned that her 2013 astrological reading gave her permission to lay low until Autumn… and in a certain way, that resonated within me, as well.  So I checked out my Leo AND year of the Snake horoscopes (something I nearly never do!), and apparently, this year is supposed to be a doozy.  I’d like to be present for it instead of reporting on it, so to speak.

My god, I couldn’t disappear completely!  There’s still my monthly yoga class focus, bigger themes of purpose and much more to continue exploring here at the Urban Yoga Den.  I also want to invite some guest bloggers into the Den, and start holding local, in-person circles for Urban Yogis.  When I do blog and post, I’d like to write more about the solution – not to hide the problem, but to share more about what all this work has yielded!  Practices, resources, tools, benefits, internal transformation and life results.

I love my blog/Facebook/online communities and grow so much from relating here.  You all kick my butt!  At the same time…I know I need to plug in with Face Time (vs. Facebook), my journal (vs. my blog), my local recovery community (vs. sharing online) and NATURE (vs. sitting here).

So what is my “final word” for “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy?”
Research.  Discernment.  Decisions.  Action.
All four phases require space, time and deliberate efforts.
Less work.  Less trying.
More allowing the warm nest to nurture outcomes.

*  *  *

Thanks for reading!  OM Shanti.

PS – Great gratitude to Toronto-based artist Sanjay Patel for allowing his 1st 2013 paintings to appear here.  This series so beautifully portrays the shifts and new energy during my 30-day practice.  By chance.  Love and thanks to you, Sanjay.


Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Week Four January 26, 2013

One month ago, on the December 28th Full Moon, I started a 30-day practice.

Daily, I lit a stick of Maroma’s “New Energy” incense; asked myself, “How will I sustain my total holly&buenagirl2(edit2012)well-being in order to serve others and live on purpose;” sat to chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (Lead me from unreal to real; from darkness to light; from that which dies off to that which is everlasting.); then posted the day’s thoughts on Facebook.

Each week, I compiled the Facebook posts with additional reflections here, on this Urban Yoga Den blog.  This is the Week-Four compilation.  Today is day 30.  I am done.  So to speak.

This week’s Facebook posts, below.  Tomorrow, a more thorough wrap-up of the outcomes of this month-long effort.  Thanks for reading.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

Mon, 01/21/13. Day 25.
Five days left in this exploration. Already I’ve received so many answers to my inquiry, “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on purpose?”

*  *  *

Tue, 01/22/13. Day 26.
Reflecting on what’s come to my attention over recent weeks.
Cultivating gentleness and nurturing toward others is an obvious calling. During our Prison Yoga Project teaching training last December, founder James Fox modeled the nurturing teaching style that works with incarcerated people. I agreed immediately with its appropriateness.
Now, fears are arising. I wonder…
Who will I be if not my trauma-surviving, tough, tell-it-like-it-is, scrappy little punk? Will at-risk communities be able to relate to the gentle yoga lady? Will I lose my ‘street cred’ if I get too soft? Will I lose my street sense, my security in my ‘hood?
Do I have to give up my edge? My tattoos, jeans and boots, my rock-n-roll and my urban excitements for a life of quiet New Age music and loose, flowing clothes?
I do have a soft, gentle nurturing side. I do value vulnerability. Still, for the sake of relationship health and serving others effectively, how will I reconcile my two sides? More will be revealed…
(Pictured – Me with Mucha Lucha cartoon character, “Buena Girl.” She’s tough and she’s girly and…she stands for all things buena!)

*  *  *

Wed, 01/23/13. Day 27.
Continuing to reflect on what’s come to my attention over recent weeks.
At times I feel immense self-doubt after I make a harmful mistake – particularly if I feel unforgiven by others. This comes from a core wound I have from childhood (put briefly) of feeling like a big fat problem and therefore unwanted.
So my internal work when such self-doubt arises is to direct the essence of Yoga Sutra 1.33 toward myself, the same way I would direct it toward others who commit harm: I aim to cultivate compassion and detach from the harmful action. Add to this – I aim to forgive. (After or along with processing my emotions, so as not to “Spiritually Bypass” that essential step in healing.)
Forgiveness does not mean I condone harmfulness. Therefore, when I make a mistake, I must simultaneously reflect and take action on how I can avoid making the same mistake again. How I can observe and exemplify Ahimsa – the avoidance of violence.
This is why I am able to do the work that I aim to do – sharing yoga with people who make mistakes and who commit harm. With people who others might deem unforgivable. I believe in every person’s ability to recover, rehabilitate, grow and serve. I believe in forgiveness of all. Ohhhh, it can be hard at times – I have been seriously harmed! But if I yearn to live a yogic life, to sustain inner peace, and therefore to be able to show up for others in service…processing my emotions AND using Sutra 1.33 as an avenue to forgiveness and moving on is essential.
So…what do I do if mindful reflection on the Sutras does not erase my self doubt? I take Swami Satchidananda’s suggestion to throw myself into loving devotion of a higher power – a devotion, he says, that will remove all doubts. For me, this power is nature. Nature, with all of its organically forgivable, chaotically beautiful messiness of process. Nature affirms that I will continue to drop leaves, tangle branches, flood, blow things down, burn…and…that I will recover with new blooms, deeper roots, a more gentle flow, a softer breeze, a guiding light.
When I plunge into nature, my process, my intentions, my growth and my usefulness are validated. Devotion erases doubt; inner peace returns; and I can serve effectively. And especially when others lack forgiveness and compassion – mine must be doubtless, faithful, sustaining.
So. Into nature I go…

*  *  *

Thu, 01/24/13. Day 28.
The Full Moon in Leo approaches this Saturday – the final day of “Full of Shift.” Continued reflections on what’s come to my attention over recent weeks. On boundaries and integrity:
I’ve been writing and sharing about mistakes. There are some mistakes that I NEVER want to make again – the mistakes that lead to me being harmed, due to my own poor choices, faulty judgment and lack of discernment.
May I always make healthy decisions for myself.
May I enjoy situations, circles and relationships of shared honesty, transparency, truth, trust, reciprocity, accountability, responsibility, respect, loyalty, commitment and anything else that yields non-harming conditions.
May my relationships brew faith, love, devotion, passion, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, understanding, tolerance, health, change and growth.
May I continue to work toward embodying, vibrating and sharing all of these values within my own mind, heart, soul and life.
And may I not settle for less.

*  *  *

Fri, 01/25/13. Day 29.
Leo Full Moon tomorrow – the final day of “Full of Shift.” Continued reflections on “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on purpose?”
On work ethic, discernment and freeing my heart of unresolved pain:
– “Those who want to be prosperous must first make others prosperous.” (Yoga Bhajan)  This I believe. I approach “jobs” – whether corporate, nonprofit or yoga work – with the intention to support my employer’s success. I aim to contribute to a strong, healthy business by doing my assigned job well, by making effort beyond expectation, by being dependable/reliable, and by being a cheerleader for the organization/owner. I don’t know any other way to serve at work.
– “When anything comes to you, first ask yourself, ‘Will I be maintaining my peace by getting this, or will my peace be disturbed?’ Ask that for everything.” (Sri Swami Satchidananda) When I first read this quote years ago, I was reminded of the addiction recovery program inquiry, “Are you going toward or away from a drink?” In early sobriety, I became very accustomed to making decisions by asking myself whether a choice would make me feel serene or not. If a choice made me feel ill at ease, I was at risk of “going toward a drink,” and losing my emotional, or, lord-forbid, my physical sobriety. This style of discernment is still a great gauge for me today.
– I need to address unresolved anger and therefore liberate my heart from pain that makes me overreact to perceived threats of harm from well-intentioned people. With a 47-year history of trauma, violations and abuses…how? Lobotomy? “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” More denial? Hee hee. Seriously, I have spent ample time and energy “doing the work” – looking squarely at, understanding and analyzing my past. I know everything about my pain. I write about it. I teach about it. I can run circles around it. Most of this “work” has been in my brain. Still, there seems to be something very un-brain-related about the residual emotion that gets twisted into misguided emotion today. I know I’ll never be trigger-free – this is the reality of having my past. Still, I (and my friends) would like some solutions. So I’ve been asking, “What can I do to address/process unresolved anger?” Suggestions/reflections thus far: SPEND REGULAR TIME IN NATURE; PRACTICE THE BUDDHIST TONGLEN MEDITATION; WRITING/BURNING RITUALS; RESTORATIVE YOGA & YOGA NIDRA; CHAKRA DANCE PROGRAMS; TAKE A GUIDED YOGA RETREAT; CULTIVATE JOY THROUGH A REJUVENATING VACATION. Anything else you’d like to share?

*  *  *

Sat, 01/26/13. Day 30.
Wrapping up the ritual today, day 30. Under a Leo Full Moon, teaching, practicing, relating, connecting. Kirtan later tonight. Moon peaks after 11:30pm EST. All is good.


Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Week Three January 21, 2013

“Happiness may arise from fortunate events but true joy comes from growth and goodness. Self-involvement alone is fleeting and ultimately sad; deepening ourselves and touching others triggers spiritual endorphins. Joy is the gift of being of use.”  – Rabbi Wolpe

Indeed, the magic combination for true joy is deepening myself and touching others.  This combination is also imperative for being of service.  Goodness – or even a noble intention to “do good” – is not enough.  If I do not prioritize my own growth, I cannot truly be of use.

The first time I heard the term “Spiritual Bypass” was June 2010.  Off the Mat, Into the World (OTM) co-founder and psychologist Hala Khouri introduced the concept during my 1st OTM intensive training that spring.  John Welwood – a psychotherapist, teacher and author known for integrating psychological and spiritual ideas – coined the term 30 years ago:

“Spiritual bypassing is a term I coined to describe a process I saw happening in the Buddhist community I was in, and also in myself. Although most of us were sincerely trying to work on ourselves, I noticed a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.   

“When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it. And then we tend to use absolute truth to disparage or dismiss relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits.”

I would add that, in my experience, people (myself included) can dismiss both our own needs, feelings, problems, difficulties and deficits – and, those of others.  So if I want harmony with others – whether in service to them or in personal relationship with them – I have to do my internal work.  I must regard that work as sacred, imperative, liberating and promising.

My work right now is with unresolved anger.  I am a classic PTSD case.  I have faced many wounds from my past and have devoted much energy to understanding them.  However, surrounding many of those wounds, I bypassed processing my own emotion because I felt I was to blame, or, because I jumped straight to the spiritual approach of understanding, having compassion for and forgiving those who harmed me.

Both cases plant unprocessed anger.  Even with a thorough intellectual understanding of the harmful events, the emotion itself has been stuffed.  And sometimes, it can burst out sideways during totally unrelated challenges.  Friends can get caught in the middle as I reckon and wrestle with the “raw and KeepingItReal(Jan13)messy side” of my humanness.  When this happens, I do my best to make amends.  The responses can vary from forgiveness and reconciliation, to abandonment of the relationship.  When I hurt someone, I feel like crawling into a hole and hiding my harmful self from the world.  I avoid old friends and new acquaintances.  I feel myself retreating, and then…

…I pull myself out of the cave.

As Rabbi Wolpe observed, if I do not stay devoted to my growth, and, engaged with the world, I cannot be of use to others.  I have faith in the process; I believe in being authentically messy and unhidden throughout it.  I can’t expect everyone in my life to be willing or equipped to navigate the tough times with me.  So, I feel super grateful that there are many who are and do.  I have allies on similar journeys and we encourage each other to keep it real.  And along the way, I offer all of my experience and solutions when I am holding space and facilitating process for others.

I started this “Full of Shift” exploration 24 days ago.  (For background, see “The origins of ‘Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy’” below.)  “Make Room” emerged as the theme of the first two weeks.  But since last weekend’s New Moon, “Bring It On” has moved energetically into said room made.  Last week flew by.  It was busy, exciting, fulfilling and – dare I say – joyful.

Following are my daily “Full of Shift” Facebook posts from Week Three, with additional reflections.

*  *  *

Sat, 01/12/13. Day 16. “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy.”
Feeling lighter.
The moon is waxing toward full. Time to bring it in. Bring it on!
Whatever “it” is. More will be revealed.
REFLECTIONS: Suffice it to say, this Saturday was much different from the previous weekend’s spiral into PTSD hell.

*  *  *

Sun, 01/13/13. Day 17. “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy.”
Each morning, as soon as I open my eyes – even before I prepare for my daily “Full of Shift” chanting practice – I say a Jewish prayer. The “Modah Ani” says: “Good morning, everliving sovereign. Thank you for restoring my soul to me in mercy. How great is your trust!”
Some mornings, right after saying this, I roll my eyes and chuckle. I add, “I think you’re crazy – but I’ll do my best!” Because on those mornings, I feel I must be fooling this everliving sovereign pretty well, if it believes I deserve the trust to go back out into another day on this earth and make the mistakes that I do!
This morning, it went like this: “Good morning, everliving sovereign. Thank you for restoring my soul to me in mercy. How great is your trust!” <Roll eyes. Chuckle.> “Seriously! I am grateful that you restore my soul and give me your trust, day after day. I must be doing something right! And by ‘right,’ I mean that I could be doing EVERYTHING wrong, and you are merciful enough to believe I deserve another day to try again. Thank you. I will do my best.”
I think a lot of this (if I may say) “self-mercy” awakened in me this morning because of the powerful words I read before bedtime last night. Details will be in the Week-Three “Full of Shift” blog. For now, thank you Sri Swami Satchidananda, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Rumi and Josh Schrei.
REFLECTIONS: Here are the pre-bedtime quotes which shifted my heart to mercy.
“You should have a close personal relationship with God.  God is nameless, formless, abstract; you cannot simply go and hug space.  That is why most people need a symbol.  Develop your relationship with that.  Marry yourself to that representation of God.  Think of it day and night.  Devotion cannot be compared with any other approach.  It is something super.  When you develop that kind of devotion you rise above all doubts.”  – Sri Swami Satchidananda
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  – Rumi
“with every breath we take and every word we speak in this life, we show exactly who we are to the One who knows us best and loves us most. that love, the ocean on which we float, is infinitely patient, infinitely kind, and wants nothing more than for us to be in peace and harmony.”  – Josh Schrei

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”  – Elisabeth Kubler-RossPrayerBeads(Feb12)
Note to self: Devotion, love, peace, harmony, gentleness, mercy.

*  *  *

Mon, 01/14/13. Day 18.
Back on track with the pre-dawn ritual, yay!
Over the past 17 days, there have been great losses; and there have been great gains. What did I think would happen when I committed to chanting the following prayer 108 times each morning? “Lead me from unreal, to real; lead me from darkness, to light; lead me from death, to immortality.”
Grieving. Trudging.
OM Shanti.
REFLECTIONS: A friend recently shared, “Every time you subtract a negative from your life, you make room for a positive.”  Related – another friend shared this idea from Thomas Mann, “Space, like time, engenders forgetfulness; but it does so by setting us bodily free from our surroundings and giving us back our primitive unattached state.”
The first two weeks of this exploration were themed “Making Room;” and indeed, there were subtractions so that I could be freed from certain attachments.  I am feeling the grief of some loss.  At the same time, I am feeling amazed with new connections, attitudes and habits finding their way into that space.
Still, I must diligently continue processing the emotions from the falling out with friends two weekends ago.  I have been feeling unforgiven and unforgiving.  Anger has been stewing.  And it must be remedied.  So I am seeking new ways – beyond yoga and talk therapy – to address, process and stay on top of my emotions.  I need to find the right prescription to remedy my anger, so to speak.
When I started this 30-day process, I truly did not know what it would yield.  But wow, the longer I stay true to it – even with the pain of loss and the discomfort of transformation – the more intense, valuable and mind-blowing are the results.
In addiction recovery programs, there is a practice of becoming ready to be relieved of character traits that no longer serve, and then praying for them to be removed.  I think that’s the most remarkable thing happening here.  The losses of externals (or the waning of attention on certain externals) are a direct result of releasing internals that have been working against me.
RockCreekFallenTreeCntr2(Jan13)The teachers that have appeared along this journey thus far have been tough cookies.  Pretty much socking me in the gut so my eyes open wide to truth, light and the everlasting.

*  *  *

Tue, 01/15/13. Day 19.
The roots of this 30-day observation rose from this question – “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live life on purpose?” The answers sure are coming.
REFLECTIONS: I stopped by Rock Creek on my way home from the doc today.  Misty rain dropping, swollen waters rushing, fallen trees decaying.  The smell of wet earth soothes my soul. Without fail.
Remember that quote by Satchidananda, above?  This.  This is my god.  I hereby marry myself to nature as my representation of god.  I will think of it day and night.  My devotion will be super.  I will rise above all doubts.

*  *  *

Wed, 01/16/13. Day 20.
High energy today. Taught Sunrise Flow & Meditation at 7am, chanted the 108 post class, then, came home for tea and breakfast and to-do list doing. And doing and doing and doing.
KarmaBitch(Jan13)REFLECTIONS: I had to laugh (at myself) when I saw this Karma post on Facebook.  Phew.  At least I can laugh now. Took a few days to recover from a big, bitchy snafu. Telling on myself again…nothing to hide.
After a super productive day, I had tea with one of the students from my New Year’s Eve “Let Your Intentions Flow” yoga workshop.  She wanted to talk more about her experience as connected to the chakras.  This was very life-affirming – that I am still useful and of service to some (or maybe many), even after screwing up with unforgiving others.

*  *  *

Thu, 01/17/13. Day 21.
For this 30-day exploration, my daily affirmation is: “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live life on purpose?” (Yes, it’s in question form.) Today I was pondering – what comprises “total well-being?”
REFLECTIONS: “Total” includes spiritual, emotional, psychological, mental, physical, material, financial, relational, communal and familial.  “Well-being” comes from healing, growth, change, stability, balance, flexibility, willingness, confidence, empowerment, meaning, purpose.  How do I make choices in future work, education, relationships and so on that are sustainable – in other words, that don’t max, stress or burn me out!
On another tangent…as Swami Satchidananda said, yoga cultivates an easeful body, peaceful mind and useful life – even for baseball players!  I took a sample Competitive Team Sports Yoga practice to trainer Fred Carmen at a local sports training facility this afternoon.  I prepared my 1st-baseman set – overall alignment for fluid mechanics; ankles, hips and twists for power hitting and efficient fielding. Traditional yogic breathing to heat, hydrate and sustain energy in the body and balance the mind. All of this, plus, intention setting for accessing The Zone at will. Easeful, peaceful, useful.

*  *  *

Fri, 01/18/13. Day 22.
Yes, today is the day I would typically post my week-end “Full of Shift” blog. But it’s been a lovely, WelcomeSunshine(Jan13)sunshiny, yummy day off with friends and I think I’ll blog tomorrow. Or the next day. You know…Shift Happens.
REFLECTIONS: What’s that? Up in the sky? It’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s…SuperSun!  Welcome back, Sunshine!
Further thoughts on my inquiry, “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on purpose?”
1 – Stop lying.  To myself and others.  About effort, emotions, money…in friendships, at work…always.
2 – Know my purpose.  Seek clarity.  Say yes to opportunities.
3 – Stand in my truth.  Values, relationships, professional skills.  When I stand confidently, energy and action awaken!
4 – Take responsibility.
5 – Know my triggers.  Know what condition I am in.  Know the conditions I am going into.
6 – Know the remedies that work effectively to decrease my triggers.  Practice them without fail.  Just as someone would not go off their medication, I should not go off my regimen of yoga and meditation!
Speaking of conditions…I thought I might leave town for inauguration weekend…but…here I am! Ready to brave the crowds with yoga, yoga, yoga. Teaching Beginner Hatha tomorrow 10:30am (and a private in the afternoon); rocking Faith Hunter’s Spiritually Fly practice Sunday 11am; and hitting Megan Davis’s Vinyasa class Monday 12:30pm. Also, hoping to stay reflective and to do some journaling (writing for me). Have a great weekend, y’all!

*  *  *

Sat, 01/19/13.  Day 25.
I was moved to tears by the sweetest OM at the end of this morning’s Beginner Vinyasa class…such soulful intention from these amazing beings.

*  *  *

Sun, 01/20/13. Day 24.  (Today.)
For 24 days, I’ve been asking myself, “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on purpose?”
Today, I’ve been up since 6am, asking, breathing, chanting, praying, listening.
And – this is happening…(see photo, below)
REFLECTIONS: After I posted this status and these photos on Facebook this morning, a friends commented, “Love your coffee table/writing desk/intention altar!”  Me, too!  I set it up last night so I could awaken to its energy and influence this morning, knowing I wanted to get a lot of reflection and writing done today. It worked!  Today I:
– Practiced my morning Sadhana at 6:30am with the 108 chants and New Energy incense.
– Completed my 2012 “clearing” journaling (aka moral inventory, recapitulation, karma cleansing…whatever you might call it!).
– Had breakfast.
– Drafted this blog.
– Went to Faith’s “Spiritually Fly” yoga class with my friend Deb.
– Did my Chakra journaling.
– Ate lunch.
– Took a super hot shower.
– Practiced Yoga Nidra with my Jonathan Foust CD followed by a self-guided visioning journey.
– Journaled my journey.
– Talk with my sister in Tennessee.
– Played on Facebook.
– Ordered organic, MSG-free Chinese delivery and ate dinner.
– Completed this blog (as soon as I hit publish)!TableCouch(Jan13)

*  *  *

Thanks for reading.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

The origins of “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy”

Over one month, from the Full Moon of 12/28/12 to the Full Moon of 1/26/13, I intend to awaken before dawn, light a stick of my new incense (a holiday gift, appropriately branded “New Energy”), practice Pranayama (yogic breathing) and chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (“lead me from falseness to truth, from darkness to light, from things that die off to that which is everlasting”).  As with all of my other intention “projects,” I am not trying to force a specific outcome – simply to ask how I can bring New Energy to my life, to listen to any answers, to witness the subtle yet abundant shifts of late, and to see what evolves.


Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Week Two January 11, 2013

Remember the “very honest letter to those I can trust” I mentioned at the end of my “Week One” blog?  The letter that would kick my butt out of paralysis?  That would smash my self-centered, ego-based fear about the part of my life I won’t reveal here?  It’s still in draft form.  Scribbled on 11 yellow sticky notes.  All stuck together in a little pile.  Over there.

RockCreekPileBranchAndFalls(Jan13)Funny thing is, despite the stall on that one action, there has been so much movement this week.  And today, the New Moon, could powerfully support my efforts to Make Room for New Energy…

The past seven days were eventful, exciting, uplifting and sometimes heartbreaking.  Overall, the New Energy was on high.  I am reminded of a W.H. Murray quote, which a friend sent to me about three years ago, when I was beginning to deliberately shape the direction of my yoga teaching journey.

“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth – the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

On December 28th, I made a decision to commit to a 30-day ritual, to witness and learn and make room and live and breathe and watch.  To set a Sankalpa, an intention, a deep resolution.  So right here and now, in order to take advantage of the New Moon energy of letting go, to sustain integrity and to fully align with my dedication to Shift and New Energy, I’m going to burst the bubble of shame and fear, and admit what I’m afraid to reveal:

Being without full-time employment has brought me to dire financial straits.  It is not a pretty picture.  I know that there are many others in this same situation.  I am not alone.  The thing is…what I’m really hiding is…until recent days, I was not doing enough to find work.  I spent many, many months not applying for jobs, due to my own self-centered fears.  “I’m too old; my education is outdated; my last full-time job ended seven years ago; my career path is not linear.”  Truly logical reasons why I might not get attention from employers.  And I clung to these reasons so tightly, I wouldn’t lift a finger to look for a job.

Thankfully, around Day 6 of this “Full of Shift” process, I saw a quote from self-help guru Dr. Robert Anthony.  Although I typically run in the other direction from self-help gurus, and although I had heard this idea one-million times in one-million different phrasings, these exact words struck a direction-changing chord with me:

“Once you give up all the ‘logical reasons’ why something cannot work for you and allow your new dream or goal to enter your Subconscious, it’s an idea whose time has come.”

Since reading this quote,

  • “I’m too old” became “I have 47 years of rich life experience, I have 30 years of insightful business experience, and I have 20 years of personal transformation and development experience.”
  • “My education is outdated” became “I am excited to pursue further education, and can apply for funding based on my rich and insightful background, as well as my experiences with personal transformation and development.”
  • “My last full-time job ended seven years ago” became “My last full-time job was a 5-year success story; since leaving, I have honed my writing/editing skills as a communications consultant and a yoga blogger; I have launched a thriving part-time career as a motivational yoga instructor and writer; I have been training to work with and teach within at-risk communities; and I have been incubating my vision for a non-profit organization called Ahimsa Now.”
  • “My career path is not linear” became “Thank god, my career path is not linear; 2012 was the year of connecting those dots in very meaningful, valuable, useful ways.  Let’s rock.”

Reiterating W.H. Murray’s thought – but this time in boldface:

“…the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

I started this “Full of Shift” project (for background, see “The origins of ‘Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy’” below) toward the end of 2012, because shifts were subtly and mysteriously showing up in my encounters, my yoga practice, my heart center, my dreams.  Here we are, mid-way into this commitment; and indeed, providence is moving.

Here are last week’s “Full of Shift” Facebook posts, plus added reflections.  Thanks for reading.

*  *  *

Fri, 01/04/13. Day 8.
Not sure what I dreamed about last night, but before I went to sleep, I read yoga teacher Hari-kirtana Dasa’s blog about Ahimsa and Veganism. And this morning I awoke thinking about the similarities among the traumas created by wars of all kinds – internal, external; political, spiritual; business, crime; families, countries. And in my mind, the phrase “The Myth of the Suburbs” kept resounding, until my body started tingling. After my daily incense/meditation ritual, I again had the strong sense that something powerful is brewing (which is why I started this 30-day “Full of Shift” observation). Later, Wall1(Jan13)above my desk, this little exercise happened (see photo). And just now, I saw the Pedro Franco (of Facebook post from Michael Moore about “supporting our troops.” It’s all related. We’re all related. Little Shifts. Big Energy.
REFLECTIONS: I am a word person, so my “Vision Board” is more like a “Word Wall.”  I discovered the benefits of this visioning exercise while working in television programming a while back.  Like then, I have small tasks, larger goals, longer-term markers, future visions and big-huge dreams to attend to each day.  Using the sticky notes, I can arrange all of these in order of next steps and later attention.  Seeing it on the wall (rather than in a to-do list) illustrates that everything is connected, and leads to one umbrella motivation – the founding of my nonprofit, Ahimsa Now.

*  *  *

Sat, 01/05/13. Day 9.
Missed a day of the ritual today, y’all. Taught this morning, then spent the entire day at IKEA and Whole Foods Market. Made time for Jonathan Foust’s Yoga Nidra CD in the evening. And now, just home from an amazing dinner with a fellow yoga teacher. Good stuff. Some days are just for this. Back to incense and chanting tomorrow.
REFLECTIONS: This late-evening Facebook post was the beginning of my decay into self-centered fear about some yoga friend/yoga event stuff.  That night I ended up essentially screaming my emotional pain in a scary string of private messages.  This dark episode came from a culmination of things, namely: stuffing difficult emotions about a number of hurtful situations since around Christmas time; not keeping up with my life-saving, sanity-making morning Sadhana over this time period; and being awake much later than normal, and, on the ever potentially-triggering Facebook after a really long day.  Total melt down.  It happens.

*  *  *

Sun, 01/06/13. Day 10.
Today, it’s “Full of Sh*t: A Couple of Days of the Same Old Energy.” Thank god this whole life thing is Repetition(Jan13)about progress not perfection.
REFLECTIONS: Last night’s great ball of fire evolved into today’s regret and shame.  I cannot wait until these words fade from my vocabulary: “I admit that I overreacted and I was wrong to misdirect my pain at you.  Please trust that this was situational, remember how I have been constructive before, and know that I am aware of and in the solution for this.”  Blech.

*  *  *

Mon, 01/07/13. Day 11.
In my life, it is scientifically proven – mindful repetition of ritual works in wondrous ways. Old habits fall away; new habits emerge. However, truth be told, I have not been repeating my “Full of Shift” daily practice before dawn, nor with much mindfulness, over the past few days. Fitting it in, whenever, wherever. Hence, I am all over the place – shift owns me, and the same old energy rules. Wake up call? Let’s see what happens tomorrow morning.
REFLECTIONS: I saw this “Repetition” image after a messy weekend of human dynamics, sparked by my own neglect of the practices and routines that ensure peace of mind and therefore peaceful relationships.
Thank god for being a yoga teacher, and for reminders.  This morning, I presented “The Benefits of Yoga in Everyday Life” to an assembly of 150 pre-teens and their teachers – on their 1st day back after a long holiday break.  I lead the group through a centering exercise, to show how yoga calms mind disturbances – from excitement to worry – and increases peace and focus.  It is always a moving experience for me to witness people of all ages and backgrounds responding to the yoga “trick” of focusing the mind, body, breath and senses.  There’s that moment in the room when everyone settles into a peaceful hush…it’s amazing!  And the yoga is doing the magic, really – not me at all.
When I got home, I was certain to do my own centering, breathing and chanting.
Later that day, a friend familiar with my passion for baseball, my background teaching yoga to athletes and my current job situation introduced me to the community outreach and training director for a professional sports complex.  How exhilarating to stand on pro-athlete turf and hear the thump of a 100-mile/hour fastball against the backboard!  I had an amazing time learning about the center’s community mission.  The fog of the weekend’s mishaps started to lift as I felt myself in my element.
The same afternoon, I found words of wisdom from Alanna Kaivalya and Arjuna van Der Kooij: “In order to dance like Shiva, we must feel free, and freedom comes from knowing there is nothing that binds us permanently. Shiva’s dance is born out of a liberation from the fear of change.”  BAM.  Om Namah Shivaya!  I knew exactly what change I am fearing in relation to what happened on Saturday night.  Thanks, Shiva, for point my heart straight at it!
I am afraid of a change in people’s opinions of me.  I am afraid that my yoga community, my ToleratedCelebrated(Jan13)potential employers, my family, my friends are changing their vision of me, from respected and loved to worthless and unlovable.  Making up their minds that the messy truth under the yoga guise is unacceptable.  I usually share so honestly; but the longer I go without full-time work and continue managing the related stress and shame, the more I am hiding.
Acknowledgement of this fear informs my solutions for facing and transforming it.  Be honest.  Don’t be afraid of others’ judgment.  Acknowledge my beautiful, messy, eternally changing humanness.  Have faith in myself.  Give myself a big, forgiving, accepting hug.

*  *  *

Tue, 01/08/13. Day 12.
As we move toward the New Moon this Friday, and as I continue my effort toward “making room,” this is what struck me after this morning’s 108 “Asato Ma”s and incense ritual (see “Tolerated/Celebrated” image).
REFLECTIONS: Today everything became fiercely positive.  I discovered, reviewed and absorbed positive comments from, encouraging conversations with and stronger connections with objective strangers and beloved friends.  Encounters affirming my life, my approach to it, my purpose in it.  This week I have received immensely wise guidance from peers and mentors.  I have met challenges from friends, fellow writers, nature.  There have been lots of opportunities to grow, observe patterns, witness behaviors, reckon with humanity.
RockCreekPileStump(Jan13)I spent some time by Rock Creek and came upon one of those crazy post-storm piles of tree trunks, branches and debris.  I felt energized by nature, and the smooth, colorful beauty that shines from twisted, broken messes.  All part of the organic process of life.  Life.

*  *  *

Wed, 01/09/13. Day 13.
I looked up at the waning crescent moon on my way to teach a 7am class this morning. A few days ago at midnight, under a half moon, I prayed for obstacles to be taken away – “Take it, whatever it is, please,” I pleaded. Since then, indeed, things have been taken away. Debating whether that’s happy or sad news. Still, making room for New Energy, so recent shifts can lead to liberation…being useful…offering service.
REFLECTIONS: Today was a good day for positive influences on friends’ Facebook posts.  My fave: “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” (J. Krishnamurti)

*  *  *

Thu, 01/10/13. Day 14.
This was a super eventful, exciting, uplifting and sometimes heartbreaking week.  C’est la vie.  At sunset tonight, I start my monthly New Moon fast.  Looking forward to reflecting on these first two weeks of Making Room, as the waning moon disappears, leaving nothing but space for New Energy.
REFLECTIONS: Focusing on the positive, the strength, the connections, the  friendships.  Letting go of what will make room.

*  *  *

Today. Day 15.

This morning I awoke before my alarm, and decided to practice Yoga Nidra with a Jonathan Foust CD.  “Relaxation is the entryway to renewal and insight, and the foundation of meditative awareness,” he told me in the introduction.  So I intuitively knew this would be the right way to start the day.

Jonathan guided me to power-up my inhale, and to relax, soften and let go fully and deeply with every exhale.  Then, he invited me to begin breathing without effort.  “Notice your capacity to allow this moment to be just as it is, without adding anything to it, without taking anything away.”  After a body scan, he noted, “Relaxing…”

“Feeling who you are in the absence of struggle, in the radiance of effortlessness.”

After Yoga Nidra, I repeatedly affirmed the Real, the Light and the Everlasting during my 108 Asato Ma chants.  In the absence of struggle, I experienced the radiance of a deeply present, conscientious and self-affirming choice to stand in my truth – no hiding, no shadows, no lies.

New Moon.  Letting Go.  Making Room.  Shifting Toward New Energy.  Indeed.

Time to finish and send out that “very honest letter to those I can trust.”

*  *  *

Thanks for reading.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

The origins of “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy”

MeBloggingPracticingDay(Jan13)Over one month, from the Full Moon of 12/28/12 to the Full Moon of 1/26/13, I intend to awaken before dawn, light a stick of my new incense (a holiday gift, appropriately branded “New Energy”), practice Pranayama (yogic breathing) and chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (“lead me from falseness to truth, from darkness to light, from things that die off to that which is everlasting”).  As with all of my other intention “projects,” I am not trying to force a specific outcome – simply to ask how I can bring New Energy to my life, to listen to any answers, to witness the subtle yet abundant shifts of late, and to see what evolves.


Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Week One January 4, 2013

HappyNewYear20122013(Dec12)I like to say that my personal brand slogan is “Nothing To Hide.”

In this blog, I’ve shared about addiction and recovery, violations and PTSD, yoga and non-violence, depression and celebrations, challenges and solutions.  Because I have thankfully found my way (and been helped) through a great deal of hardship in life, I like to tell my story honestly – the tough parts, the growth, the transformation and the solutions.

But there is one area of my life that I haven’t shared about here.  Because as of yet, I have not found the solution.  I have not transformed.  I am not growing.  And I am ashamed to tell you about it.  So far.

*  *  *

One week ago I launched this “Full of Shift” series (for background, see “The origins of ‘Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy’” below).  Since writing the blogs for Days 1 & 2 last week, I’ve simply posted daily “Full of Shift” reflections on my Urban Yoga Den Facebook.  Below are those posts, plus added commentary, for Days 3 through 7 (today).

*  *  *

12/30/12. Day 3.
No long blog today – just a quick check in, for the record.
This wind is sockin’ it to me! It’s blowing things all over the place!  While lighting my incense and chanting this morning, the message was – New Energy Is Here!

*  *  *

12/31/12. Day 4.
MAKE ROOM for the unexpected.
Delights and disappointments.
Successes and failures.
In that spaciousness –
community builds,
honesty emerges,
respect deepens.
Make room.
This reflection came to me during meditation this morning, as I considered the unusually good outcome of the unexpected bad news I received on Friday.  Due to miscommunication with our yoga studio’s building owner, I found out (only 3 days in advance) that I could not use our wonderful studio space for my annual New Year’s Eve Sankalpa Vinyasa event.  Disappointing, and potentially a failure for all involved.  Stress skyrocketed – but I did what I know best!  I reached out for help, shifted into “crisis resolution” mode, and found solutions.  And now, because so much has come together – community, people, space, rhythm, creativity and more – the situation ends up being a great success and delight for all.  Happy New Year!

*  *  *

01/01/13. Day 5.
After so much recent work on intention, and holding space while others dig into theirs, what came to me this morning during meditation is: I still struggle with how to make all the pieces fit together for sustainability. Ah – more information for next steps. Onward…

*  *  *

01/02/13. Day 6.
Big questions arose in this morning’s meditation.  Primarily: I see clearly that I urgently need to MAKE ROOM.  But how?  First I must make room in my mind to hear the answer!  Hence this 30-day ritual.
Later, I came across this on Facebook.  I don’t know who Dr. Robert Anthony is, but I’m just going to believe him today.  “Any dream that can pass through one’s screen of logic into the Subconscious and is earnestly desired, can be obtained.  Once you give up all the “logical reasons” why something cannot work for you and allow your new dream or goal to enter your Subconscious, it’s an idea whose time has come.”  – Dr. Robert Anthony

*  *  *

01/03/13. Day 7.
End of my 1st week.  Last night, at midnight, and under the waning moon, I prayed desperately to know what I need to let go of in order to make room for New Energy.  “Whatever you want me to, I will let go of it.  Take it away from me.  Anything.  Just take it.  Please.”
In an area of my life that I am ashamed to reveal, I am horribly, horribly stuck.  Last night I was pleading for answers.  And this morning, as soon as I woke up, I got them.  I think.   I scribbled:
“How do I make room for fresh energy?  By letting go of ego.  By quitting the old patterns of self-reliance, self-centered fear, old stories and negative beliefs.  Old patterns of sharing the solution for everything else and not admitting this unresolved problem.  I must take the risk of exposing myself humbly, honestly and earnestly.  I must ask for help and surrender to the care of Higher Powers (spirit, friends, community).  I am wincing as I write this.  The idea of admitting how bad it is turns my stomach.  But, what do I have to lose?”
After I wrote this, I lit my incense and chanted my 108 “Asato Ma”s.  And then I drafted a very honest letter to those I can trust.  More will be revealed.

*  *  *

Thanks for reading.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

The origins of “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy”

Over one month, from the Full Moon of 12/28/12 to the Full Moon of 1/26/13, I intend to awaken before dawn, light a stick of my new incense (a holiday gift, appropriately branded “New Energy”), practice Pranayama (yogic breathing) and chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (“lead me from falseness to truth, from darkness to light, from things that die off to that which is everlasting”).  As with all of my other intention “projects,” I am not trying to force a specific outcome – simply to ask how I can bring New Energy to my life, to listen to any answers, to witness the subtle yet abundant shifts of late, and to see what evolves.


Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Day 2 December 29, 2012

Filed under: Inspiration,Life,Spirituality — Holly Meyers @ 2:10 pm
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NashvilleCloudsThunderhead(June2011)12/29/12.  Day 2.


While lighting my incense this morning, I said a little affirmation (in question form) that I feel complements this endeavor of witnessing the subtle yet abundant shifts happening in my life lately.  “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on-purpose?”

The question stems from my way too long term search for full-time work – in other words, my endurance of way too long term unemployment.  I do have part-time work as a yoga teacher; and for this I am deeply grateful.  Yet my search for full-time work has been beyond tough.  There is the condition that 1,000s are looking for jobs now.  And there’s the fact that I am 47 years old, 25 years away from my university degree, 7 years away from my last full-time job and seeking a new direction.

In January of this year, I sent a job search outreach letter to all of my e-mail contacts – about 3,000 folks – and had some immediate responses and support.  However, no work emerged.  So, in addition to the other challenges to this search, there’s the battle with my own negative stories – despite knowing deep down that I am talented, bright, energetic and worthy.

Consequently, the stress of the situation has become detrimental to my overall health.  There is the embarrassment of scraping to pay bills…or, to be honest…borrowing to pay bills; the ongoing, soul-sucking financial worry; the shame about my financial situation and job search failures; the basic inability to take care of myself well because I can’t afford it; the loss of faith that things will be OK; and the (very typical human) fear that I will die penniless, alone, in a gutter.  My physical, emotional and spiritual health are all suffering.

Despite this, I continue to trudge forward, day by day.  I walk with purpose through this challenge.  Most days I am smiling, acting as if all is well (because moment to moment, it truly is), and able to show up and serve others.

I like to state my morning affirmation in question form, because this is a month for asking questions, and observing what comes up.  Each day as I light my New Energy incense, I will ask…and listen.  Today, as soon as I said, “How will I sustain my total well-being in order to serve others and live on-purpose?” I heard within me, “MAKE ROOM.”  Nothing more – simply, a resounding “MAKE ROOM.”  The Full Moon was yesterday; as of today, it is waning.  Which is the best time for letting go.

So today, I will make efforts to MAKE ROOM.  More will be revealed.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

The origins of “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy”

Over one month, from the Full Moon of 12/28/12 to the Full Moon of 1/26/13, I intend to awaken before dawn, light a stick of my new incense (a holiday gift, appropriately branded “New Energy”), practice Pranayama (yogic breathing) and chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (“lead me from falseness to truth, from darkness to light, from things that die off to that which is everlasting”).  As with all of my other intention “projects,” I am not trying to force a specific outcome – simply to ask how I can bring New Energy to my life, to listen to any answers, to witness the subtle yet abundant shifts of late, and to see what evolves.