The Urban Yoga Den

…where it's all yoga.

Life on Life’s Terms August 8, 2010

I am stretching here.

And I don’t mean stretching my body.  I am stretching to find a yogic approach to what I want to share this evening, after months without blogging or sending Yoga Updates to my mailing list or reaching out much at all, really.

Somewhere around March I started falling behind on my writing and outreach.  Thankfully May and June’s Eight Limbs class focus seemed to herd my wandering thoughts and I made it through a 2nd update about Asana & Pranayama.  Then, my motivation dropped off the face of the earth.  “Things” started happening.

Since the Spring I (in no particular order):

  • Started a job
  • Left that job
  • Attended the Off The Mat Into The World intensive and leadership training with Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling
  • Visited the ER with chest pains (all is OK now)
  • Felt an earthquake for the first time ever (amazing)
  • Taught percussion and yoga to grades Pre-K through 6 at the Levine School of Music’s six-week summer camp
  • Battled a two-week respiratory infection (summer camp is germy!)
  • Taught up to 23 classes per week, including studio shifts, sub opps, youth classes, private clients and the University of Maryland football team (Go Terps! – my alma mater)
  • Celebrated my 45th birthday with a beautiful community of children, yogis, musicians and dear ones
  • Learned of a horrible deception in my romantic partnership
  • Tried my hardest – one day at a time – to stay in that relationship
  • Ended that relationship

Life has pitched a number of serious curve balls in the midst of a beautifully bountiful time and I am wiped out.   But I’ve been “holding it together.”  I remember once when I was feeling low, a friend scolded, “You should read your own blog!”  Tonight, as I read back through my Spring entries, I don’t recognize the deeply motivated, connected and inspired Holly.  She’s been getting through the days, weeks, months by flinging herself into teaching.

It could be worse.

Thankfully, last week, I started experiencing complete dissociation.  The reason I’m grateful is that I needed the wake up call.  The stress of my relationship issues had become so huge that I would get through half a yoga class and not remember teaching.  I would get through a day of summer camp and need a nap.  The break-up was essential.  This past Saturday was the day.

It’s hard to describe how lost I feel.  The shock of the deception, the nature of the lie, the weeks of earnestly exploring whether I could stay in the relationship and now the loss of that relationship have left me profoundly exhausted.  Now that the relationship is over, I crave rejuvenation.  I’m yearning to be taken care of, to join a synagogue, to sleep for endless hours, to hibernate, and so on – a wide range of reactions.

And now that summer camp is over, I need to look for more work!  Plus, I owe you some blogs.  I have about a thousand drafts, about Yoga & Baseball, about Yoga & Football, about the final four of the Eight Limbs, about my Uncle Bill’s yoga-esque devotion to service, about so many things.

I realize that this post is a bit rambling and more journal-like than usual.  Primarily, I wanted to get honest.  And let you know where I’ve been.  I’m not teaching anything here; I don’t have a Sutra to quote, a Limb to cite or a Chakra to work.  If anything, I’d like to be taught how I can rehabilitate from this painfully debilitating time.  Let’s see which teachings reveal themselves.

That’s it for now.  OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.  Peace.

P.S. – Duh, it’s hitting me that one of the primary teaching in all of this is how that 8-day Off The Mat Into The World training seasoned me to trudge through this break-up discernment phase and then seek nurturing once the split was behind me…among other things, I’m sure.

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