I am stretching here.
And I don’t mean stretching my body. I am stretching to find a yogic approach to what I want to share this evening, after months without blogging or sending Yoga Updates to my mailing list or reaching out much at all, really.
Somewhere around March I started falling behind on my writing and outreach. Thankfully May and June’s Eight Limbs class focus seemed to herd my wandering thoughts and I made it through a 2nd update about Asana & Pranayama. Then, my motivation dropped off the face of the earth. “Things” started happening.
Since the Spring I (in no particular order):
- Started a job
- Left that job
- Attended the Off The Mat Into The World intensive and leadership training with Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling
- Visited the ER with chest pains (all is OK now)
- Felt an earthquake for the first time ever (amazing)
- Taught percussion and yoga to grades Pre-K through 6 at the Levine School of Music’s six-week summer camp
- Battled a two-week respiratory infection (summer camp is germy!)
- Taught up to 23 classes per week, including studio shifts, sub opps, youth classes, private clients and the University of Maryland football team (Go Terps! – my alma mater)
- Celebrated my 45th birthday with a beautiful community of children, yogis, musicians and dear ones
- Learned of a horrible deception in my romantic partnership
- Tried my hardest – one day at a time – to stay in that relationship
- Ended that relationship
Life has pitched a number of serious curve balls in the midst of a beautifully bountiful time and I am wiped out. But I’ve been “holding it together.” I remember once when I was feeling low, a friend scolded, “You should read your own blog!” Tonight, as I read back through my Spring entries, I don’t recognize the deeply motivated, connected and inspired Holly. She’s been getting through the days, weeks, months by flinging herself into teaching.
It could be worse.
Thankfully, last week, I started experiencing complete dissociation. The reason I’m grateful is that I needed the wake up call. The stress of my relationship issues had become so huge that I would get through half a yoga class and not remember teaching. I would get through a day of summer camp and need a nap. The break-up was essential. This past Saturday was the day.
It’s hard to describe how lost I feel. The shock of the deception, the nature of the lie, the weeks of earnestly exploring whether I could stay in the relationship and now the loss of that relationship have left me profoundly exhausted. Now that the relationship is over, I crave rejuvenation. I’m yearning to be taken care of, to join a synagogue, to sleep for endless hours, to hibernate, and so on – a wide range of reactions.
And now that summer camp is over, I need to look for more work! Plus, I owe you some blogs. I have about a thousand drafts, about Yoga & Baseball, about Yoga & Football, about the final four of the Eight Limbs, about my Uncle Bill’s yoga-esque devotion to service, about so many things.
I realize that this post is a bit rambling and more journal-like than usual. Primarily, I wanted to get honest. And let you know where I’ve been. I’m not teaching anything here; I don’t have a Sutra to quote, a Limb to cite or a Chakra to work. If anything, I’d like to be taught how I can rehabilitate from this painfully debilitating time. Let’s see which teachings reveal themselves.
That’s it for now. OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace.
P.S. – Duh, it’s hitting me that one of the primary teaching in all of this is how that 8-day Off The Mat Into The World training seasoned me to trudge through this break-up discernment phase and then seek nurturing once the split was behind me…among other things, I’m sure.