The Urban Yoga Den

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Wild Is The Wind: A Story Of Heartbreak, And True Love April 19, 2013

Love me, love me, love me – say you do.
Let me fly away with you.
For our love is like the wind.
And wild is the wind.
Give me more than one caress.MagnoliaSun2Colorful(Apr13)
Satisfy this hungriness.
Let the wind blow through your heart.
For wild is the wind.
You touch me – I hear the sound of mandolins.
You kiss me – with your kiss, my life begins.
You’re spring to me, all things to me.
(Hmmm…)
Don’t you know you’re life itself?
Like a leaf clings to a tree,
Oh my darling, cling to me.
For we’re creatures of the wind.
And wild is the wind…so wild is the wind.
(“Wild Is The Wind” ~ arranged/performed by Nina Simone)

* * *

I used to think I’d sing this song at my wedding.

Decades ago, when I first heard “Wild Is The Wind,” I believed that true love should feel wild. That together, my lover and I would feel a devotion as natural and sweeping and consuming as the wind.

These days, I’m not so sure about that formula for partnership. And, two painfully broken engagements, a few messy breakups and one recent heartbreak later, I’m not sure there will ever be a wedding to sing at.

But I am sure of this – true love IS a devotion as natural and sweeping and consuming as the wind.

* * *

This week was a doozy. The world watched bombs and victims and heroes and villains. In the midst of that tragedy, I lost a love to the truth.

We knew each other in high school. Twenty years later, we landed in jury duty together. We dated off and on for the next 11 years, with gaps in between of one, two, even six years. Each phase ended the same way – him saying that he just can’t settle down, and me saying goodbye…until the next time we were drawn together again.

Talk about wild.

Deep in my heart, I wished, “Some day…” Some day he’ll have a change of heart; and I’ll sing “Wild Is The Wind” at our wedding.

Actually…nope. Not gonna happen.

Without getting into the details or timeline or psychology of it all (I’m sure you’ll make your own assumptions and draw your own conclusions), let’s just say – it’s over. Earlier this week, he told me that he is unavailable on more than one level. He told me some truths that hurt deeply. He told me, once and for all, that he can never see me again.

I sense that this time around, it’s really over. Because after all these years, I am finally growing to want what’s best for me, and, I have finally gained the tools to accept the truth and move on. This week, I listened deeply; I thanked him for his honesty; and I said goodbye.

But my heart is still feeling a bit ouchy. I’ve lost a friend. I’ve lost a lover. I’ve lost a magical story. But y’know what? It’s time to let go.

* * *

Today, quite by chance, I heard “Wild Is The Wind.” During deep relaxation, at the end of a much-needed energizing and strengthening yoga class. A class that relieved my mind of the week’s challenges, and fueled me for a productive and present afternoon.

Then I heard those first beautifully ominous notes of the song, and knew I was in for a good cry.

Love me, love me, love me – say you do.

I exhaled a silent sob. Because he can’t. He can’t love me.

Give me more than one caress.

This line made me a little squirmy. But I continued to let the tears flow as the music washed over me.

Satisfy this hungriness.

WhiteCameliaNora(Apr13)And all of the sudden it hit me – no human being could ever satisfy my hungriness.

Shiva popped into my mind. I know this might seem goofy, but I sometimes dedicate popular love songs to god instead of a man, a dream, a wish. And who better than Shiva, who has accompanied my journey through a million births, lives and deaths over the past 47 years?

You kiss me – and with your kiss, my life begins.

My silent sobs were replaced with soft smiles.

You’re spring to me, all things to me. Don’t you know you’re life itself?

A resounding “yes” struck my heart.

I continued to happily embrace and breathe in the life force behind our eternal cycle of time, the prana of life itself. The renewing power of Shiva.

After resting, I rose up, reborn. I walked out into a particularly breezy day.

Let the wind blow through your heart.

Today I heard “Wild Is The Wind” with fresh ears. I heard it as a song about the deepest devotion that exists. The purest Bhakti Yoga in my heart. The true love between my higher power and me.

OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

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Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy – Week Two January 11, 2013

Remember the “very honest letter to those I can trust” I mentioned at the end of my “Week One” blog?  The letter that would kick my butt out of paralysis?  That would smash my self-centered, ego-based fear about the part of my life I won’t reveal here?  It’s still in draft form.  Scribbled on 11 yellow sticky notes.  All stuck together in a little pile.  Over there.

RockCreekPileBranchAndFalls(Jan13)Funny thing is, despite the stall on that one action, there has been so much movement this week.  And today, the New Moon, could powerfully support my efforts to Make Room for New Energy…

The past seven days were eventful, exciting, uplifting and sometimes heartbreaking.  Overall, the New Energy was on high.  I am reminded of a W.H. Murray quote, which a friend sent to me about three years ago, when I was beginning to deliberately shape the direction of my yoga teaching journey.

“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth – the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

On December 28th, I made a decision to commit to a 30-day ritual, to witness and learn and make room and live and breathe and watch.  To set a Sankalpa, an intention, a deep resolution.  So right here and now, in order to take advantage of the New Moon energy of letting go, to sustain integrity and to fully align with my dedication to Shift and New Energy, I’m going to burst the bubble of shame and fear, and admit what I’m afraid to reveal:

Being without full-time employment has brought me to dire financial straits.  It is not a pretty picture.  I know that there are many others in this same situation.  I am not alone.  The thing is…what I’m really hiding is…until recent days, I was not doing enough to find work.  I spent many, many months not applying for jobs, due to my own self-centered fears.  “I’m too old; my education is outdated; my last full-time job ended seven years ago; my career path is not linear.”  Truly logical reasons why I might not get attention from employers.  And I clung to these reasons so tightly, I wouldn’t lift a finger to look for a job.

Thankfully, around Day 6 of this “Full of Shift” process, I saw a quote from self-help guru Dr. Robert Anthony.  Although I typically run in the other direction from self-help gurus, and although I had heard this idea one-million times in one-million different phrasings, these exact words struck a direction-changing chord with me:

“Once you give up all the ‘logical reasons’ why something cannot work for you and allow your new dream or goal to enter your Subconscious, it’s an idea whose time has come.”

Since reading this quote,

  • “I’m too old” became “I have 47 years of rich life experience, I have 30 years of insightful business experience, and I have 20 years of personal transformation and development experience.”
  • “My education is outdated” became “I am excited to pursue further education, and can apply for funding based on my rich and insightful background, as well as my experiences with personal transformation and development.”
  • “My last full-time job ended seven years ago” became “My last full-time job was a 5-year success story; since leaving, I have honed my writing/editing skills as a communications consultant and a yoga blogger; I have launched a thriving part-time career as a motivational yoga instructor and writer; I have been training to work with and teach within at-risk communities; and I have been incubating my vision for a non-profit organization called Ahimsa Now.”
  • “My career path is not linear” became “Thank god, my career path is not linear; 2012 was the year of connecting those dots in very meaningful, valuable, useful ways.  Let’s rock.”

Reiterating W.H. Murray’s thought – but this time in boldface:

“…the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

I started this “Full of Shift” project (for background, see “The origins of ‘Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy’” below) toward the end of 2012, because shifts were subtly and mysteriously showing up in my encounters, my yoga practice, my heart center, my dreams.  Here we are, mid-way into this commitment; and indeed, providence is moving.

Here are last week’s “Full of Shift” Facebook posts, plus added reflections.  Thanks for reading.

*  *  *

Fri, 01/04/13. Day 8.
Not sure what I dreamed about last night, but before I went to sleep, I read yoga teacher Hari-kirtana Dasa’s blog about Ahimsa and Veganism. And this morning I awoke thinking about the similarities among the traumas created by wars of all kinds – internal, external; political, spiritual; business, crime; families, countries. And in my mind, the phrase “The Myth of the Suburbs” kept resounding, until my body started tingling. After my daily incense/meditation ritual, I again had the strong sense that something powerful is brewing (which is why I started this 30-day “Full of Shift” observation). Later, Wall1(Jan13)above my desk, this little exercise happened (see photo). And just now, I saw the Pedro Franco (of http://www.yoganoborders.org) Facebook post from Michael Moore about “supporting our troops.” It’s all related. We’re all related. Little Shifts. Big Energy.
REFLECTIONS: I am a word person, so my “Vision Board” is more like a “Word Wall.”  I discovered the benefits of this visioning exercise while working in television programming a while back.  Like then, I have small tasks, larger goals, longer-term markers, future visions and big-huge dreams to attend to each day.  Using the sticky notes, I can arrange all of these in order of next steps and later attention.  Seeing it on the wall (rather than in a to-do list) illustrates that everything is connected, and leads to one umbrella motivation – the founding of my nonprofit, Ahimsa Now.

*  *  *

Sat, 01/05/13. Day 9.
Missed a day of the ritual today, y’all. Taught this morning, then spent the entire day at IKEA and Whole Foods Market. Made time for Jonathan Foust’s Yoga Nidra CD in the evening. And now, just home from an amazing dinner with a fellow yoga teacher. Good stuff. Some days are just for this. Back to incense and chanting tomorrow.
REFLECTIONS: This late-evening Facebook post was the beginning of my decay into self-centered fear about some yoga friend/yoga event stuff.  That night I ended up essentially screaming my emotional pain in a scary string of private messages.  This dark episode came from a culmination of things, namely: stuffing difficult emotions about a number of hurtful situations since around Christmas time; not keeping up with my life-saving, sanity-making morning Sadhana over this time period; and being awake much later than normal, and, on the ever potentially-triggering Facebook after a really long day.  Total melt down.  It happens.

*  *  *

Sun, 01/06/13. Day 10.
Today, it’s “Full of Sh*t: A Couple of Days of the Same Old Energy.” Thank god this whole life thing is Repetition(Jan13)about progress not perfection.
REFLECTIONS: Last night’s great ball of fire evolved into today’s regret and shame.  I cannot wait until these words fade from my vocabulary: “I admit that I overreacted and I was wrong to misdirect my pain at you.  Please trust that this was situational, remember how I have been constructive before, and know that I am aware of and in the solution for this.”  Blech.

*  *  *

Mon, 01/07/13. Day 11.
In my life, it is scientifically proven – mindful repetition of ritual works in wondrous ways. Old habits fall away; new habits emerge. However, truth be told, I have not been repeating my “Full of Shift” daily practice before dawn, nor with much mindfulness, over the past few days. Fitting it in, whenever, wherever. Hence, I am all over the place – shift owns me, and the same old energy rules. Wake up call? Let’s see what happens tomorrow morning.
REFLECTIONS: I saw this “Repetition” image after a messy weekend of human dynamics, sparked by my own neglect of the practices and routines that ensure peace of mind and therefore peaceful relationships.
Thank god for being a yoga teacher, and for reminders.  This morning, I presented “The Benefits of Yoga in Everyday Life” to an assembly of 150 pre-teens and their teachers – on their 1st day back after a long holiday break.  I lead the group through a centering exercise, to show how yoga calms mind disturbances – from excitement to worry – and increases peace and focus.  It is always a moving experience for me to witness people of all ages and backgrounds responding to the yoga “trick” of focusing the mind, body, breath and senses.  There’s that moment in the room when everyone settles into a peaceful hush…it’s amazing!  And the yoga is doing the magic, really – not me at all.
When I got home, I was certain to do my own centering, breathing and chanting.
Later that day, a friend familiar with my passion for baseball, my background teaching yoga to athletes and my current job situation introduced me to the community outreach and training director for a professional sports complex.  How exhilarating to stand on pro-athlete turf and hear the thump of a 100-mile/hour fastball against the backboard!  I had an amazing time learning about the center’s community mission.  The fog of the weekend’s mishaps started to lift as I felt myself in my element.
The same afternoon, I found words of wisdom from Alanna Kaivalya and Arjuna van Der Kooij: “In order to dance like Shiva, we must feel free, and freedom comes from knowing there is nothing that binds us permanently. Shiva’s dance is born out of a liberation from the fear of change.”  BAM.  Om Namah Shivaya!  I knew exactly what change I am fearing in relation to what happened on Saturday night.  Thanks, Shiva, for point my heart straight at it!
I am afraid of a change in people’s opinions of me.  I am afraid that my yoga community, my ToleratedCelebrated(Jan13)potential employers, my family, my friends are changing their vision of me, from respected and loved to worthless and unlovable.  Making up their minds that the messy truth under the yoga guise is unacceptable.  I usually share so honestly; but the longer I go without full-time work and continue managing the related stress and shame, the more I am hiding.
Acknowledgement of this fear informs my solutions for facing and transforming it.  Be honest.  Don’t be afraid of others’ judgment.  Acknowledge my beautiful, messy, eternally changing humanness.  Have faith in myself.  Give myself a big, forgiving, accepting hug.

*  *  *

Tue, 01/08/13. Day 12.
As we move toward the New Moon this Friday, and as I continue my effort toward “making room,” this is what struck me after this morning’s 108 “Asato Ma”s and incense ritual (see “Tolerated/Celebrated” image).
REFLECTIONS: Today everything became fiercely positive.  I discovered, reviewed and absorbed positive comments from, encouraging conversations with and stronger connections with objective strangers and beloved friends.  Encounters affirming my life, my approach to it, my purpose in it.  This week I have received immensely wise guidance from peers and mentors.  I have met challenges from friends, fellow writers, nature.  There have been lots of opportunities to grow, observe patterns, witness behaviors, reckon with humanity.
RockCreekPileStump(Jan13)I spent some time by Rock Creek and came upon one of those crazy post-storm piles of tree trunks, branches and debris.  I felt energized by nature, and the smooth, colorful beauty that shines from twisted, broken messes.  All part of the organic process of life.  Life.

*  *  *

Wed, 01/09/13. Day 13.
I looked up at the waning crescent moon on my way to teach a 7am class this morning. A few days ago at midnight, under a half moon, I prayed for obstacles to be taken away – “Take it, whatever it is, please,” I pleaded. Since then, indeed, things have been taken away. Debating whether that’s happy or sad news. Still, making room for New Energy, so recent shifts can lead to liberation…being useful…offering service.
REFLECTIONS: Today was a good day for positive influences on friends’ Facebook posts.  My fave: “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” (J. Krishnamurti)

*  *  *

Thu, 01/10/13. Day 14.
This was a super eventful, exciting, uplifting and sometimes heartbreaking week.  C’est la vie.  At sunset tonight, I start my monthly New Moon fast.  Looking forward to reflecting on these first two weeks of Making Room, as the waning moon disappears, leaving nothing but space for New Energy.
REFLECTIONS: Focusing on the positive, the strength, the connections, the  friendships.  Letting go of what will make room.

*  *  *

Today. Day 15.

This morning I awoke before my alarm, and decided to practice Yoga Nidra with a Jonathan Foust CD.  “Relaxation is the entryway to renewal and insight, and the foundation of meditative awareness,” he told me in the introduction.  So I intuitively knew this would be the right way to start the day.

Jonathan guided me to power-up my inhale, and to relax, soften and let go fully and deeply with every exhale.  Then, he invited me to begin breathing without effort.  “Notice your capacity to allow this moment to be just as it is, without adding anything to it, without taking anything away.”  After a body scan, he noted, “Relaxing…”

“Feeling who you are in the absence of struggle, in the radiance of effortlessness.”

After Yoga Nidra, I repeatedly affirmed the Real, the Light and the Everlasting during my 108 Asato Ma chants.  In the absence of struggle, I experienced the radiance of a deeply present, conscientious and self-affirming choice to stand in my truth – no hiding, no shadows, no lies.

New Moon.  Letting Go.  Making Room.  Shifting Toward New Energy.  Indeed.

Time to finish and send out that “very honest letter to those I can trust.”

*  *  *

Thanks for reading.  OM Shanti.

*  *  *

The origins of “Full of Shift: 30 Days of New Energy”

MeBloggingPracticingDay(Jan13)Over one month, from the Full Moon of 12/28/12 to the Full Moon of 1/26/13, I intend to awaken before dawn, light a stick of my new incense (a holiday gift, appropriately branded “New Energy”), practice Pranayama (yogic breathing) and chant 108 repetitions of the “Asato Ma” prayer (“lead me from falseness to truth, from darkness to light, from things that die off to that which is everlasting”).  As with all of my other intention “projects,” I am not trying to force a specific outcome – simply to ask how I can bring New Energy to my life, to listen to any answers, to witness the subtle yet abundant shifts of late, and to see what evolves.

 

Clearing the Obstacles August 6, 2011

I am sorry to hear your pain.  You are a wonderful human being and deserve tranquility, peace, and love.  I would suggest that you stay focused on what is good for YOU, rest will follow.  –  letter from a friend

This quote sounds like something I would say to a student or friend.  Instead, it is an e-mail that a friend just sent to me.  I know he meant to write, “…stay focused on what is good for YOU, THE rest will follow.”  Yet the fact is, if I stay focused on what is good for me, indeed, rest will follow.  And I really, really need some rest.  The kind of rest that allows the heart to remember its yearnings, yearnings to cultivate clarity, clarity to turn into action, and action to yield change.

This has been the hardest blog to write, ever.  I keep starting and stopping; switching directions; adding this and that.  Stopping.  Sobbing.  And starting again.

It’s difficult to be 100% honest, and that’s what I need to do.  It’s difficult to not shade my current negative state with the positive solutions of yoga.  Is it yogic to admit that I am in pain, and that my usual solutions seem out of reach?

*  *  *

I feel it’s time for big change and I’m starting with small things.  But I wish I could crack myself open and re-program.  – letter to a friend

Last week, on my 46th birthday, I started parting my hair on the opposite side.

Ganesha, new hair part, pneumonia and me on my 46th birthday.

Immediately, I felt like a new person.  I saw myself differently.  My eyes looked happier.  My head felt lighter.  My mind was clearer.

The weekend before, I’d hit an emotional bottom where I spent an entire day acting very un-yoga-like.  OK, I’ll say it – although I haven’t had a drink or drug in nearly 9 years, I was acting as toxic as a drunken addict.  It was not pretty, people.  Some who went through that day with me were very forgiving.  Some were not.  Some recognized that stress from recent physical illness and emotional difficulties fueled my offensiveness.  Some didn’t care, because they were hurt.  And still others (thank goodness for the others) offered amazing advice and insight – including the belief that I’m hitting a bottom because big change is coming.

So last week, after a series of Facebook posts about fighting demons, letting go and changing…I parted my hair on the other side.

*  *  *

In the past month alone, notable events forced me to reevaluate my behaviors, activities and needs, and to reignite my practices, beliefs and vision.  – August “Yoga Update” (see “newsletter” tab)

To complement my fresh hair style, I’ve also been wearing my Ganesha charm more frequently.

Not only have I felt a need for newness, but also for a strong shove of old things out of the way.  When I first started practicing Vinyasa yoga, my teacher constantly spoke of “letting go of what doesn’t serve in order to make room for what does.”  I don’t frequently pray to specific deities, but being reminded of Ganesha’s power to clear obstacles (and provide protection) has been motivating.

These days, I know I need to release many things that compromise my deepest well-being in order to create space for what cultivates sustainable, lasting inner peace.  For instance, on mornings between the full and new moons, I used to pray, “Let me let go of anything that gets in the way of your will for me.”  Regretfully, that practice has faded off…but it’s time to bring it back.

*  *  *

Hindsight is 20/20.  – popular phrase

As you might know, I was mugged in June.  Feedback on my blog, “The Yoga of Being Mugged” has been positive.  People have used words like “resilient” and “compassionate” regarding my response to the situation.  I agree, and am thankful to be someone who uses yoga and other tools to recover from and address life’s difficulties.

Now here comes the 100% honesty – because I don’t want you to think that I am responding with perfect strength and forgiveness to an assault.  I want you to know that it hurt.  I want you to know that I now walk around scared and suspicious and over-reactive.  I want you to know that my past traumas have been triggered since the mugging.  And I want you to know that I sometimes act like a jerk because of this state.

If you’ve read my other blogs, you know a bit about my painful childhood and rough road toward adulthood.  These last 18 years of yoga practice, complemented by 8+ years of addiction recovery, have sparked a journey of mending and growth.  Still, I am just hitting the tip of the iceberg in undoing 25 years of destructive patterns and related consequences.

When I look back on my life’s traumas, I see the lesson behind each one.  So why am I so stuck in the pain of the past?  Because, due to my childhood isolation and later impulse to kill emotions with substances, I did not properly process and/or grieve these traumas at the time that they took place.  Making sense of them is one thing; authentically expressing and healthily processing the emotions is a whole other ball game.

Thankfully, these days I am feeling weary from past traumas robbing me of day-to-day happiness.  I am feeling a low tolerance for anything that does not match my craving for inner peace.  I am fed up with these obstacles keeping me from my intentions to be of service in this world.

So I am willing to do whatever it takes to change.

At the same time that I am willing to let go of limitations, I am somehow holding on.  I have taken the reigns, and have been gripping them tightly.  Terrified of feeling more pain, I have taken complete control of my life.  Regretfully.  Because when I am in complete control, there’s little room for you, for anyone, for a higher power, for healthy risk, for trust, for faith.

*  *  *

I’ve been learning to drive, my whole life. – Arcade Fire, “In The Backseat”

It’s time to let someone else take the wheel.  Let go.  Change.

In the Mahabharata – an ancient Hindu text – there is a story about true surrender.

A king wants to ruin a man’s reputation, and so decides to shame the man’s wife, Draupadi, by stripping off her sari in public.  A sari is a traditional Indian dress, made from several yards of material wrapped around the body.  In the story, the king begins to unwrap the sari, and in turn, Draupadi clings tightly in fear.  She continues to use all her strength while crying to god for help.

After much struggle, Draupadi realizes that, as long as she clings in fear, there will not be space for god to help her.  Bravely, she lets go of the sari, holds her hands up and exclaims, “If you want me to face this disgrace I will accept it.  I totally trust you; my life is in your hands.”  Miraculously, Draupadi’s sari becomes infinitely long, and the king becomes exhausted.  Draupadi was saved.

The first time I read this story around three years ago, I was struck by Draupadi’s willingness to accept god’s will, even if it means disgrace.  In the margin of the book I wrote, “WOW.  I wish for this surrender.”

At this very moment, I feel that exact yearning.  Since June, I have been so racked by fear that I wake up each morning with my fists clenched so tightly that my thumbs come out of their joints.

Shifting from self reliance to accepting help takes deep work.  A PTSD therapist has been helping me work through my past so I can heal from it.  Most days, I feel quite vulnerable, like a wounded animal, backed into my protective corner.  You know what “they” say about wounded animals – don’t go near them.

But circumstances have prohibited this isolation, and demanded togetherness.  Shortly after the mugging, I came down with pneumonia and had to ask for a lot of support.  All through my birthday week, my home was filled with friends bringing fresh produce, fun gifts and positive energy.  It chipped away at my rock-hard walls of “That’s OK, I can do it myself.”

I am continuing to reach out for the company, wisdom, experiences and advice of those prepared to step into the corner with me.  Yes, when they come near me, I might act overly protective.  I might swat them away.  I might misunderstand their concern for judgment.  I might mistake their discomfort for dislike.  I might offend them.  I might piss them off.  And they might or might not forgive me.

I will, however, forgive myself.

*  *  *

Here is the hardest part to write.  In my current state of imbalance, can I honorably teach the Eight Limbs, and how they outline a simple process for taking yoga’s principles off the mat and into everyday life?  How can I share “Yogas Chitta Vritti Nrodhah” and encourage yoga as a practice for calming the mind, when my mind is far from calm?  How can I authentically pass on yoga’s tools, when they don’t seem to be working for me in this time of extreme challenge?

Or does this messy phase of life illustrate yoga’s transformation?  Maybe this is my own version of “Draupadi’s Sari.”  Maybe my wish for absolute surrender is coming true.

One thing is for certain – this is my emotional bottom, and the only way out is up.

*  *  *

My god, Holly, you got mugged and now you have pneumonia?  The universe is trying to tell you something.  – a friend

My sassy answer to this remark?  “Uh-huh, the universe is telling me that I am a tough broad who can get through anything!”  Perhaps.  That would certainly match my self-reliant conditioning.  At the same time, I’m open to a totally different point of view.  By sending me a mugging, pneumonia and related challenges, the universe could be urging me to ‘fess up and say, “Come closer to me.”

See me, accept me, love me for exactly who I am – right now.  Vulnerable, fearful, distrustful and resentful.  Wounded.  Ready to focus on what’s good for me.  And more than ready for (the) rest.

OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.