Today a friend is having a lumpectomy to remove cancer in her breast.
This friend is a strong, solution-oriented, resilient woman. After reading my news about the betrayal, breakup and decompression process, she wrote to encourage me to join her in a ritual of surrender. Instead of asking friends to pray for her well-being, she invited us to pray to let go of something that no longer serves us. On Monday evening, under a waning moon, I invited students to use their breath intentionally. Together, we inhaled something positive into our being. On the exhales, we let go of whatever might impede that positive intention.
Amazing what happens when I follow my own instructions! I inhaled, “I trust that I will be taken care of,” and exhaled, “I surrender my fear.” I did this…after a day full of self-centered fear and heart-racing anxiety. You see, while decompressing from this betrayal (which triggered memories of other traumas), I had become distrustful of humans. By practicing intentional breathing in class Monday night, my fears and anxieties started to dissolve.
My friend’s proactive and positive attitude cracked open the door of my own resilience. And for that, I am grateful.
In past posts, I’ve written about “Pratipaksha Bhavana.” Essentially, this is what my struggling friend suggested. This practice (mentioned in aphorism 2.33 of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras) invites us to replace negative thoughts with positives. This does not mean we should stuff or deny strong emotions that produce “negatives” – the healthy recognition and processing of anger, fear and anxiety is essential to our wholeness and well-being. At the same time, for a multi-trauma survivor like me, the tendency to dwell in those emotions can cultivate fear-based stories that have nothing to do with the actualities surrounding me. False beliefs such as, “I can’t trust anyone; everyone is hiding a horribly hurtful truth; I can instruct yoga but not get close to anyone” can invade and pervade.
When actually, I am surrounded by caring, honest, healthy and beautifully-human beings.
For those who know me and know how I teach, you also know that it would be impossible for me to disconnect! I love engaging deeply and authentically with fellow yogis, students and teachers. It was scary enough two weeks ago, when I found myself halfway through a class with no recall of what I had taught. This realization lead me to make better choices for myself. The end of my relationship has allowed me to reconnect with my truth, my essence, my healthiest me – and therefore, to show up for others.
For me, a path toward true resilience must include this essential aspect of service.
Since Monday evening’s Pratipaksha Bhavana/intentional breathing practice, so many other remedies have surfaced. In fact, Tuesday was a long string of therapeutics. I started with a visit to the chiropractor, who, by aligning my structure (post-traumatic-couch-sleeping is not great for alignment), reinforced proper flow of energy through the Chakras. Then, in a Cranio-Sacral Therapy session, I finally verbalized my anger, disappointment and grief through a gradually-unstuck throat Chakra. During a noon yoga class, where the teacher spoke of “Samtosha” (the Eight Limbs’ “Niyama” or virtue of contentment with or acceptance of what is), pigeon pose released my tears. Afterward, talk therapy nurtured my trust and balanced my emotions.
Does this sound like a lot of effort? Perhaps. At the same time, through years of experience, I’ve grown to prefer the liberating results of proactive healing to the destructive crawl toward progressive depression. Let’s see – liberation or destruction? I know which sounds best to me.
“Therapeutic Tuesday” would not have been complete without sharing my experience, strength and hope with others who also believe in proactive recovery. So that evening, in a room full of people who surrender to solutions one day at a time, I admitted my distrust of humans, identified this as dangerous, and described the tools I’m using to move away from that false story and toward the positive reality.
And the door to resilience cracked open a bit more.
This morning I woke up to my alarm at 6:30am. I sprung off the couch (ok, ok, this IS a process!) and zoomed down the street for a 7am yoga class. Inspired by a Sufi poem, the teacher encouraged us to see flowers growing within…and then to envision an entire garden. Perhaps in full bloom; perhaps in need of some pruning. Her music choices were positive and spiritual, organically complementing the bright sunrise. No crying this time. I felt energized and excited for change.
I even felt that trust was possible.
When I got home, I popped Joshua James into the CD player and cooked Irish Steel Cut Oatmeal with goji berries and walnuts. What a shift from lazy comfort foods and mandatory meditation lectures. Not to say that Dharma talks don’t help! But to reach this point, where I can listen to Joshua’s soul-stirring stories and hear both the outcry and hope in his voice…I can now cry as a release and have hope, too.
As for the oatmeal, well, a self-nurturing and nutritious home-cooked breakfast beats the fleeting pleasure of potato chips in the long-term!
So on Monday, my friend with cancer helped crack the door open. (Today, despite her encouragement to surrender my “stuff,” I’ll be praying for her and her only.) Since Monday, despite my fear of trusting humans, despite my anxiety, despite my gushing emotions after so much holding-in – I have allowed people’s hugs, words, smiles, songs, teachings and prayers to penetrate this broken heart and tired soul.
This morning, the door to resilience is wide open. And I am choosing to walk through it.
OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.
(P.S. If you have any questions about the remedies, practitioners, teachers or concepts mentioned above, please write me at firstname.lastname@example.org.)