Today I want to be rigorously honest. Today I want to speak as a person for whom the stars have never miraculously aligned in my favor, simply because I visualized an ideal, or “manifested” an outcome, or even, drastically changed my life for the positive.
Today I want to say, bluntly – my life has been one high wall after another. Despite the best of intentions (i.e. leaving my beloved hometown of DC, and moving to Nashville in order to make a living amends to my father by being of service to him as he ages); despite the moral support and positive thoughts of friends; despite my daily routines of prayer and meditation and surrendering over and over…most of the time, things have not worked out in a way that creates a sustainable or easeful journey for me.
So today, I want to frankly say – I have no hope. Zero.
My efforts toward this definite move to Nashville are not yielding tangible results. I don’t know why I keep praying and meditating; more and more I don’t believe there is a being who hears or answers prayers; I am terrified of not securing the foundational things I need to make this move happen; I am even more terrified of not securing the foundational things I need to create a sustainable life in Nashville.
I keep going through the motions.
Every day, I wake up and do my Sadhana. I say the prayers. I do the yoga practices. I surrender to my spiritual routine. And I don’t do this to get some kind of payback that will add up to a miraculously easeful future. I do them for the sake of the present moment. And then the next. And the next.
I am here to serve. Whether it’s to serve my current yoga students by remaining peaceful during stressful times, or, to cheerfully serve our pizza customers at my restaurant job – I am here to be a part of the cycle of one being showing up for another. Breath by breath. Moment to moment. One day at a time.
To maintain an ounce of positive forward momentum during this very demanding period of great transition, related emotions, inevitable doubt and endless To-Do Lists – I continue to force myself to ask for help, even though I feel like I’m asking too much; I stay focused on the ways that others do show up for me; I concentrate on the present moment as much as possible; I put my blind faith in a mysterious universe whose directions, plans and designs are beyond my comprehension; and frankly – I pretend. For myself, not others – I pretend to have hope.
Most importantly, even during the most doubtful times, I act as if I believe in a higher being who has my back, as I attempt to hurdle yet another high wall.
“Grant me strength, as I go from here, to do your bidding.” OM Namah Shivaya.
May you find the strength to hurdle your walls. OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.