The Urban Yoga Den

…where it's all yoga.

When Things Go South August 9, 2013

“Grant me strength, as I go from here, to do your bidding.”  ~ prayer from recovery programsStormClouds

Today I want to be rigorously honest.  Today I want to speak as a person for whom the stars have never miraculously aligned in my favor, simply because I visualized an ideal, or “manifested” an outcome, or even, drastically changed my life for the positive.

Today I want to say, bluntly – my life has been one high wall after another.  Despite the best of intentions (i.e. leaving my beloved hometown of DC, and moving to Nashville in order to make a living amends to my father by being of service to him as he ages); despite the moral support and positive thoughts of friends; despite my daily routines of prayer and meditation and surrendering over and over…most of the time, things have not worked out in SuperMoon3SlowGrassa way that creates a sustainable or easeful journey for me.

So today, I want to frankly say – I have no hope.  Zero.

My efforts toward this definite move to Nashville are not yielding tangible results.  I don’t know why I keep praying and meditating; more and more I don’t believe there is a being who hears or answers prayers; I am terrified of not securing the foundational things I need to make this move happen; I am even more terrified of not securing the foundational things I need to create a sustainable life in Nashville.

But.

I keep going through the motions.

Every day, I wake up and do my Sadhana.  I say the prayers.  I do the yoga practices.  I surrender to my spiritual routine.  And I don’t do this to get some kind of payback that will add up to a miraculously easeful future.  I do them for the sake of the present moment.  And then the next.  And the next.

I am here to serve.  Whether it’s to serve my current yoga students by remaining peaceful during stressful times, or, to cheerfully serve our pizza customers at my restaurant job – I am here to be a part of the cycle of one being showing up for another.  Breath by breath.  Moment to moment.  One day at a time.

SunriseFinalDayTo maintain an ounce of positive forward momentum during this very demanding period of great transition, related emotions, inevitable doubt and endless To-Do Lists – I continue to force myself to ask for help, even though I feel like I’m asking too much; I stay focused on the ways that others do show up for me; I concentrate on the present moment as much as possible; I put my blind faith in a mysterious universe whose directions, plans and designs are beyond my comprehension; and frankly – I pretend.  For myself, not others – I pretend to have hope.

Most importantly, even during the most doubtful times, I act as if I believe in a higher being who has my back, as I attempt to hurdle yet another high wall.

“Grant me strength, as I go from here, to do your bidding.”  OM Namah Shivaya.

May you find the strength to hurdle your walls.  OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

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10 Responses to “When Things Go South”

  1. OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

  2. Rachel C. Says:

    Beautiful, raw, honest post. Sending you love!

  3. Kay Says:

    I am in a stressful period of my life too, one that has lasted so so long. Your thoughts expressed here mirror mine and are helpful to me. kw

    • Holly Meyers Says:

      Dear Kay, please forgive my delayed response to your courageous and kind comment. The move transition has been consuming! I’m so pleased that you have continued your yoga practice through this, indeed, very stressful time of life. Big hugs to you. OM Shanti.

  4. caitlin Says:

    Thank you for sharing this so honeslty. It helped me to hear your frank words.

    I hope you climb over the next high wall soon! And have a long period before the next is in sight.


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