Welcome back, Holly. Welcome back. Stick around.
Phew, what a winter! I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream. So to speak. “Bad dream” is a funny statement for me. I believe that all dreams – no matter how scary, disturbing or strange – are good dreams. “Bad” dreams arise to liberate the subconscious, to release darkness from that deeply buried storage space, to shed light on what needs to be seen, and therefore, to relieve us of unreasonable fears or destructive patterns.
Just like the dark phases of waking life.
So, I am looking back at December 2012 through February 2013 as a period of awakening. As rough as that process felt, with its intense swings, shifts and losses, I am embracing the experience the same way I would embrace my most adored teacher. Some lessons are harder than others.
This peaceful contentment did not arrive overnight. The shift started to happen once I honestly admitted (to myself and others) the pain of harboring resentments so fierce, I felt victimized. It was humbling but freeing to finally see how far into negative emotion my skipping and/or stepping back from healthy practices had taken me. Emotionally, I was not myself. No. Wait. I don’t want to deny any part of my Self. I was feeling victimized (a normal part of humanness); and, because I was not taking good care of myself, those feelings hijacked my inward state and outward actions.
I’m neither negating nor celebrating the pattern of feeling like crap and acting accordingly! I am, rather, honoring the value of being present for and going through difficult phases – as messy as that process can be – rather than hiding, ignoring, stuffing or denying the causes of those dark times. These past winter months were a nightmare. At the same time – I was wide awake. I looked squarely at the situation and took action. Using yoga, recovery and related practices and resources (see “Love: Anger’s Remedy” for an exhaustive list of pro-active solutions), I reverse-hijacked my Self and gradually trudged back to where I want to be!
To trudge is “to walk with purpose.” Sometimes, a purposeful gait is the only way through challenge. Ass dragging or legs sprinting, the trip is always one step at a time. And of course – it helps to have strong hiking partners. Grateful to all whom “enjoyed” the journey with me.
Today, I feel lighter. I tenderly cradle the parts of me that wrestled and wrangled through December, January and February. I offer myself forgiveness, compassion and love. And as I meander through my neighborhood, through this city, through the world…I offer the same to all around me.
It feels great to be walking in my favorite shoes again.
Happy Spring, y’all! OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace, Peace, Peace.