LOVE: Brief (and maybe not so brief) explorations for our February class focus. (Or maybe not.)
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My only income right now comes from teaching yoga. I don’t make enough money to pay for my very simple life. I borrow and I use a credit card.
Today I found that someone had taken down every single workshop flier I had posted at several businesses near the hosting studio. This brought up several reactions, in this order:
– I am hated.
– This is unfair.
– Thank god the studio owner made more fliers. I’m replacing the fliers.
– I am livid.
– Is this a message from god, that I am not supposed to teach in studios anymore, and that I should only offer yoga in service?
– If this bullsh** continues, with people taking down my fliers or refusing to put them up (see my last post, “Not Love: Anger”), I am never going to earn enough to eat.
– I am terrified that I will end up alone, dead, in a gutter because I can’t get a full-time job and bullsh** like this will keep me from making any money at all.
– I am sick of mean, lying, harmful people. I can’t take it anymore.
– I am a piece of sh**. If I had not screwed up my life for so many years, I would not be in the position of having to rely on yoga teaching for earnings.
– I have never taken anyone’s fliers down. I would never do something so malicious.
– My workshops are my best work, they come from my heart, I work so hard on them. I love this work more than anything on earth (see “Love: The Privilege of Teaching Yoga”).
– Who the f*** took down my f**ing fliers? (Then I tripped up some cafe steps and seriously harmed my back, neck and ankle. And I blamed the person who took down my fliers for my injury, because I would not have been going into that cafe if I didn’t need to replace fliers.)
– Why would anyone want to come to my workshop? I am a bad person. I am hated.
– I am a good person. I strive to be of service and helpful. I work hard to right my wrongs. People are mean and unforgiving.
– I have committed too many harmful mistakes and I will continue to be harmed in various ways. This is my Karma.
– I don’t have it in me to endure anymore harm. If this keeps up, I’ll have no energy, esteem or motivation to continue looking for sustainable work. I feel like I am being beaten down.
– I am really, really hurting. I don’t think I can stand hurting anymore. I’ve had enough. I want to crawl under the covers and never come out.
Again, like my last post, so many mixed emotions. I am swinging between feeling like a bad person who will never surpass some horrible Karmic cycle of being harmed and causing harm, and, feeling like a good person who is a victim of bad people. Or maybe those are the same things.
I posted a vague message on Facebook: “the day started off well. going steadily downhill. thoughts, prayers, calls and visits much appreciated. love to y’all. (nothing to hide.)”
Someone wrote me a message. And although she is very, very far away, we both sat to meditate “together.” I chanted 108 Asato Ma and 108 Lokah Samasta. I cried and cried and cried. Although the pain softened some, after making a smoothie (haven’t eaten much all day) and doing the dishes (there was a pile), I’m still crying. And to be totally revealing, I am craving for someone to swoop in and comfort me. But guess what, there is no one. So I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have done a few of the next right things. I reached out. I chanted. I ate a little bit. I lit candles, I burned sweet jasmine incense, I created my own comfort. I made an appointment with my chiropractor (my body hurts like hell). Earlier I met with a friend and vented my frustrations, my fears, my anger. And just now, I checked back in with my long-distance friend and let her know that I just need to get through tonight; a new day usually feels better.
Through all of this turmoil today, I was still able to witness, celebrate and feel sincerely happy for others. For some reason, this has been one of those days where many friends were sharing great news about their lives. I am fortunate to be without envy. I guess because their good news give me faith for myself; and envy erases any notion of hope – which, for some ludicrous reason, I still have.
Still, right now, I am stuck. And I am going under. The covers. Good night.
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How do we recognize and trust our hearts’ desires? How can we harness the impulses tugging at our hearts, and shape them into a deeper purpose? Join me on Saturday, February 23rd, 3-5:30pm at Quiet Mind Yoga in Washington, DC for “Follow Your Heart.” In this Sankalpa Vinyasa practice, Holly facilitates heart-centered Asana, self-inquiry and journeying, so students can tap into the flow of their deepest intentions. Re-ignite your 2013 resolutions – or, discover a completely new direction.