You have been holding up the mirror for me lately. Showing me, telling me, reminding me of who, how, what I am. How I can be. How I might be. How I could be.
It does not feel good.
Because I am already deep in self-examination. I already know the mistake I made. I already know that I missed the mark. I already know how I failed you. I just hope that, like I do hundreds of times per day for others, you will have some compassion, some patience, some tolerance. Some faith that I am doing the work to look within and change. Some consideration for my humanness. Some forgiveness.
And maybe even some respect.
I am trying my hardest to connect this to yoga. But I have to admit, at this moment I am weary from having good intentions yet feeling like the bad guy. I am frustrated. And I am concerned.
That’s all I’ve got on the matter.
* * *
Kali is the Hindu goddess associated with empowerment. She reigns over time and change. In addition, she represents the fiercely protective mother, yet is often misunderstood due to her appearance. From Wikipedia: “Her eyes are described as red with intoxication, and in absolute rage, her hair is shown disheveled, small fangs sometimes protrude out of her mouth, and her tongue is lolling. She is often shown naked or just wearing a skirt made of human arms and a garland of human heads.”
Phew! This force of change, protection and empowerment has the appearance of one who is harmful. It’s important to remember, however, that Kali only harms the demons that threaten our well-being.
I bank on this.
So I am here, wrestling with these ideas of wanting to do good, to protect, to empower. Of wanting to do this during a time of instability and change. I am here, weathering this storm. And I’m cool with that.
* * *
Good news to report – since my last post I have not crawled onto my couch in a bitter morass of self-pity or depression. That sprint into nature last month? It did, clearly, deepen my belief, faith, hope and strength.
I am a resilient girl. I’ve come through a lot. And I’m prepared to go through more. Thanks to nature and yoga and protective forces like Kali, I am fortified to keep trudging the road of healing, growth and service.
No matter what I see in the mirror you so kindly hold up for me.
OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.